I figured out what this blog is for. It's for all the times I'm supposed
to be doing something way more important. Then again, what other time is there
to blog? (I seriously need to list out my priorities).
So much has happened since my last published post. That's right - this
isn't my first time here in months. Truth is, I've written so much - so much
bull shit that I always end up deleting everything. I've felt so frustrated, so
angry, so bitter after each post because the words - they just deserted me. Even
now, thinking about it, I'm falling back into the same pattern so I shall leave
it here and just not bother.
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Reading her blog and just how profound her words are. How they all
fall into place like the pearls on a necklace. I wish I could be half as
profound as her. At least she managed to inspire me enough to write something I
might actually publish (we'll see by the time I come to the end). That's not
all she has done for me. So many thoughts in my head, so many words unsaid.
It's just not the same now, but I guess I'll just have to live with it - that
void that now consumes me. She isn't the sole culprit but I will get to her
accomplice later. She's an enigma. Yet, unlike the unknown, her presence is
more than welcome. But maybe that's it. I love the unknown. It fascinates me.
SHE fascinates me. To be around her, sit with her in her quiet company as we
both get lost in our own thoughts is like sleeping on my bed. I hardly get to do
it and I can't seem to get enough of it. Let me not creep her out any further.
Fuck that, I've always been one to speak and write freely. Truth is, I never
saw her coming. Then again, from what I hear, no one did ;). She just crawled
right in, under our skin and into our hearts and made it her own. She made it
her home. She fucking owned that shit. Then I thought she left, but turns out
she's still there. She’ll always be there. There were never any try outs but
she made the cut. She made the A-list. That's just what she does. She ain't no
cowgirl, bursting in guns blazing. She's that Black Panther that nobody had to
let in. They say hindsight is 20-20. Looking back now, I still don't know when
she made her move. Was it her carefree yet quiet laugh or the way she responded
to me? Was it those two nights or that letter she wrote to me?
You - your words, they cut me like a sword.With every phrase - eternal joy, they sting like the pins of a message
board.
<3
Then we have her accomplice.
Your light, shines bright, emitting photons like no other. You reflect me, unlike no mirror, as if we're children - born from the same mother.
<3
She was here first. Instantly. Like a flash of light. She is so full of
energy, passion and love. All of it bursting at the seams. Only god knows how
she manages to contain it. Maybe that's why she's so explosive. Her intensity
matching mine, surpassing it and then coming right back next to mine again. Oh
her taste in music. Childlike - and yet, the simplicity of it seems to bring out
her beauty even more. I want her to write me a resume. Not the usual kind. I
want her to fill a page with all that she has inside so that I can stare at it
and just - sigh. Like I do when I think about all that she is and all that she
means to me. Her uncanny resemblance to me - just all that's positive. Just
everything that I ever could be. Everything I want to be and more. She's like a blooming flower in the middle of the mud. She's like a whiff of optimism with a dash of
determination. She's like my sister from another mister. She is the successful
me. She is...herself and so much more. She has no idea what she means to me. So
much so that I would hate for her to not want to have anything to do with me if
she ever read this. Does that happen to people allot? Is this normal? I don't
know. All I know is that I would do anything to keep that smile on her face forever. I love the way she reacts when I compare her to that fictional character that she hates so much. I love arguing with her and watching her argue with other people. She has had a huge impact on me to say the least. I want to be like her,
to live like her and to impact others just like her. She's become
my yardstick. People have told me numerous times that I deserve better.
Well, she's just about as good as it gets and I'm on a quest to find more like her - to fill my life and consume me.
I deserve better: This kind of brings me back to a note one of my classmate wrote for me
on a brown square piece of paper. A really sweet and kind boy whose truthful
words lined my heart with acid and burnt it three million times
over.
"It doesn't hurt
to say again. I really admire how you go out to care for your friends, though
they might not reciprocate"
I remember thinking at the start of the third semester, maybe it was
time I started thinking more about myself before others. How I was dead
wrong. It wasn't that I was putting others way before myself. I mean I was but
when is that ever a bad thing? Thing is, I completely lacked that primal
instinct that was. Self-preservation. I was putting others before me but I was
also letting myself crumble away in the process. Chunks of me taken away in the
transactions that I initiated out of my own good will. Give them an inch and
they'll take a yard. But what if you didn't give them an inch? What if you gave
them everything you had and then some? What if you threw all your chips
in with all your cards out on the table? What if that's just who you god damn
are? What if this wasn't a game of cards for you but you were playing on the
adults table? Looking back, I still stick to my guns; it is better to have
loved and lost. Because these aren't just battle scars I'm sporting. They
double up as my badges of honour. You see, you can play the role of a victim,
or you can strut your stuff like the veteran you truly are. It's all about
perspective. I mean if I wanted to play victim, I should have started from the
beginning -when the doctors told my parents I’d have to go to blind school. Hell, I should have quit while I was ahead. When I was still that adorable little
hyperactive girl everybody loved.
You know what I am glad of though? I'm glad I learnt from my mistakes.
I'm glad I started taking a step back and appreciating the very moment I was
in. I'm glad I had the foresight to know that time flies like a motherfucker.
Faster than the blink of an eye, these moments we're in will be gone forever. I'm glad I
commit to memory as much as I could. Now my only regret is not taking enough
pictures. But seriously though. Be it in cohort classroom having retarded
moments with the class, getting stressed up about design, writing my essay wee
into the night waaaaay last minute, acing it, all the heart to hearts I ever
had since 2012, this past summer, saying goodbye, hugging them real tight and
everything and everyone else that mattered to me. I'm glad I learnt my lesson
and that I've been acting on it. Cuz it's all about the now, soak it all in as
much as you can before the moment is gone. Because you only live once. This kind of reminds me of that
bridge off one of Macklemore's songs, ten thousand hours.
"It's the part
of the show where it all fades away
When the lights go to black and the band leaves the stage
And you wanted a encore but there's no encore today
Cause the moment is now, can't get it back from the grave"
At the end of the concert sometime the band will come back out and play another song, sometimes not. Macklemore is using a metaphor to state that you might get another opportunity to live again tomorrow but you might not so live it like your last, you can’t get today back from the grave.
Carpe diem, the original YOLO.
The show that Macklemore is referring to is a metaphor for a person’s life. When facing death, everyone wants a second chance — a little more time to accomplish what they could have. But there are no encores in real life — when the lights fade, you die, and the band won’t be coming back to play. Using the word “grave” further evokes death imagery and solidifies the metaphor
Allot of people wonder why I'm so fascinated with this guy. You should
pay attention to all his lyrics - you'll find your answer. I mean the guy is
AMAZING. <3
Moving on.
SO much has happened since I last published a post here. From finals to
orientation to my internship getting cancelled, finding a new one, meeting a
bunch of kick-ass people from the US of America and all the memories that were
created. The summer is screeching to an end and I'm still picking up the pieces
from term three. Funny how life works. Above all, I'm thankful for this new
outlook on relationships, work and life in general. I really did not mean to
spend so much time writing this post and going through the wide variety of
emotions as I did. So much has changed and yet there is so much that is still
the same. I'm really looking forward to working towards achieving these new goals
and aspirations I have set for myself. I just have to remember to take it all
one step at a time. Slowly but surely, we will all get there.
Till then, stay hungry, stay curious and push on!
Also, something to lighten the mood. ;D
