Monday, August 12, 2013

Time heals all wounds...even the kind you don't want healed...

I figured out what this blog is for. It's for all the times I'm supposed to be doing something way more important. Then again, what other time is there to blog? (I seriously need to list out my priorities).

So much has happened since my last published post. That's right - this isn't my first time here in months. Truth is, I've written so much - so much bull shit that I always end up deleting everything. I've felt so frustrated, so angry, so bitter after each post because the words - they just deserted me. Even now, thinking about it, I'm falling back into the same pattern so I shall leave it here and just not bother. 

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Reading her blog and just how profound her words are. How they all fall into place like the pearls on a necklace. I wish I could be half as profound as her. At least she managed to inspire me enough to write something I might actually publish (we'll see by the time I come to the end). That's not all she has done for me. So many thoughts in my head, so many words unsaid. It's just not the same now, but I guess I'll just have to live with it - that void that now consumes me. She isn't the sole culprit but I will get to her accomplice later. She's an enigma. Yet, unlike the unknown, her presence is more than welcome. But maybe that's it. I love the unknown. It fascinates me. SHE fascinates me. To be around her, sit with her in her quiet company as we both get lost in our own thoughts is like sleeping on my bed. I hardly get to do it and I can't seem to get enough of it. Let me not creep her out any further. Fuck that, I've always been one to speak and write freely. Truth is, I never saw her coming. Then again, from what I hear, no one did ;). She just crawled right in, under our skin and into our hearts and made it her own. She made it her home. She fucking owned that shit. Then I thought she left, but turns out she's still there. She’ll always be there. There were never any try outs but she made the cut. She made the A-list. That's just what she does. She ain't no cowgirl, bursting in guns blazing. She's that Black Panther that nobody had to let in. They say hindsight is 20-20. Looking back now, I still don't know when she made her move. Was it her carefree yet quiet laugh or the way she responded to me? Was it those two nights or that letter she wrote to me? 


You - your words, they cut me like a sword.With every phrase - eternal joy, they sting like the pins of a message board. 
 <3

Then we have her accomplice. 

Your light, shines bright, emitting photons like no other. You reflect me, unlike no mirror, as if we're children - born from the same mother.
<3

She was here first. Instantly. Like a flash of light. She is so full of energy, passion and love. All of it bursting at the seams. Only god knows how she manages to contain it. Maybe that's why she's so explosive. Her intensity matching mine, surpassing it and then coming right back next to mine again. Oh her taste in music. Childlike - and yet, the simplicity of it seems to bring out her beauty even more. I want her to write me a resume. Not the usual kind. I want her to fill a page with all that she has inside so that I can stare at it and just - sigh. Like I do when I think about all that she is and all that she means to me. Her uncanny resemblance to me - just all that's positive. Just everything that I ever could be. Everything I want to be and more. She's like a blooming flower in the middle of the mud. She's like a whiff of optimism with a dash of determination. She's like my sister from another mister. She is the successful me. She is...herself and so much more. She has no idea what she means to me. So much so that I would hate for her to not want to have anything to do with me if she ever read this. Does that happen to people allot? Is this normal? I don't know. All I know is that I would do anything to keep that smile on her face forever. I love the way she reacts when I compare her to that fictional character that she hates so much. I love arguing with her and watching her argue with other people. She has had a huge impact on me to say the least. I want to be like her, to live like her and to impact others just like her. She's become my yardstick.  People have told me numerous times that I deserve better. Well, she's just about as good as it gets and I'm on a quest to find more like her - to fill my life and consume me. 


I deserve better: This kind of brings me back to a note one of my classmate wrote for me on a brown square piece of paper. A really sweet and kind boy whose truthful words lined my heart with acid and burnt it three million times over. 

"It doesn't hurt to say again. I really admire how you go out to care for your friends, though they might not reciprocate"

I remember thinking at the start of the third semester, maybe it was time I started thinking more about myself before others. How I was dead wrong. It wasn't that I was putting others way before myself. I mean I was but when is that ever a bad thing? Thing is, I completely lacked that primal instinct that was. Self-preservation. I was putting others before me but I was also letting myself crumble away in the process. Chunks of me taken away in the transactions that I initiated out of my own good will. Give them an inch and they'll take a yard. But what if you didn't give them an inch? What if you gave them everything you had and then some?  What if you threw all your chips in with all your cards out on the table? What if that's just who you god damn are? What if this wasn't a game of cards for you but you were playing on the adults table? Looking back, I still stick to my guns; it is better to have loved and lost. Because these aren't just battle scars I'm sporting. They double up as my badges of honour. You see, you can play the role of a victim, or you can strut your stuff like the veteran you truly are. It's all about perspective. I mean if I wanted to play victim, I should have started from the beginning -when the doctors told my parents I’d have to go to blind school. Hell, I should have quit while I was ahead. When I was still that adorable little hyperactive girl everybody loved. 


You know what I am glad of though? I'm glad I learnt from my mistakes. I'm glad I started taking a step back and appreciating the very moment I was in. I'm glad I had the foresight to know that time flies like a motherfucker. Faster than the blink of an eye, these moments we're in will be gone forever. I'm glad I commit to memory as much as I could. Now my only regret is not taking enough pictures. But seriously though. Be it in cohort classroom having retarded moments with the class, getting stressed up about design, writing my essay wee into the night waaaaay last minute, acing it, all the heart to hearts I ever had since 2012, this past summer, saying goodbye, hugging them real tight and everything and everyone else that mattered to me. I'm glad I learnt my lesson and that I've been acting on it. Cuz it's all about the now, soak it all in as much as you can before the moment is gone. Because you only live once. This kind of reminds me of that bridge off one of Macklemore's songs, ten thousand hours.




"It's the part of the show where it all fades away When the lights go to black and the band leaves the stage And you wanted a encore but there's no encore today Cause the moment is now, can't get it back from the grave"
 At the end of the concert sometime the band will come back out and play another song, sometimes not. Macklemore is using a metaphor to state that you might get another opportunity to live again tomorrow but you might not so live it like your last, you can’t get today back from the grave.
Carpe diem, the original YOLO.
The show that Macklemore is referring to is a metaphor for a person’s life. When facing death, everyone wants a second chance — a little more time to accomplish what they could have. But there are no encores in real life — when the lights fade, you die, and the band won’t be coming back to play. Using the word “grave” further evokes death imagery and solidifies the metaphor

(Source



Allot of people wonder why I'm so fascinated with this guy. You should pay attention to all his lyrics - you'll find your answer. I mean the guy is AMAZING. <3

Moving on.

SO much has happened since I last published a post here. From finals to orientation to my internship getting cancelled, finding a new one, meeting a bunch of kick-ass people from the US of America and all the memories that were created. The summer is screeching to an end and I'm still picking up the pieces from term three. Funny how life works. Above all, I'm thankful for this new outlook on relationships, work and life in general. I really did not mean to spend so much time writing this post and going through the wide variety of emotions as I did. So much has changed and yet there is so much that is still the same. I'm really looking forward to working towards achieving these new goals and aspirations I have set for myself. I just have to remember to take it all one step at a time. Slowly but surely, we will all get there. 


Till then, stay hungry, stay curious and push on!


Also, something to lighten the mood. ;D


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