Dear me.

Please, for the love of life, stop running.

Wondering

How do I even begin to put into words these thoughts and feelings that I can't seem to even get a grip on in my own head?

You have your own issues - who doesn't? Yet the effect you have on me is dampened only by my realisation that all of this is temporary. This conversation will end and we'll have to get back to our own realities. It's funny how you both ground me and take me on flights with the highest of altitudes and reckless abandon - how can we forget about reckless abandon. I come to you with aches and scars where they tell me my heart is supposed to be. In sharing our pain and the most twisted of humour, you fill the nooks and ridges with this new kind of joy and love; something foreign yet comfortably familiar. It stings a little, burns even. Like red hot molten iron being poured into a mould. I guess anything would hurt when you're still so tender and raw. I seek refuge in your company and comfort in your gestures. How you always seem to know exactly what to say and even when you inadvertently flirt, you do so in the most adorable of ways. It is what it is, you will always be the one who got to know.

Everyone else isn't worth writing about I guess.

You are what you love not who loves you

I'm just afraid I'll come out of this a shell of who I used to be. Hollow. Empty. When you imprison yourself, whatever the circumstances, you bind the wings of your spirit and lock it up in a cage. Leaving it only to writhe and wriggle on the cold hard floor. How can you remember what you’re fighting for? How can you remember WHOM you’re fighting for? And when you forget – you spiral. You might as well drink yourself to oblivion (of course not). How is this any different from before? Except now there is a greater sense of peace in the mind. Don’t get too comfortable for this is a hole. And a very dark one at that. Sigh. That’s all you can do while you wait for the time to pass.

It’s funny. People generally don’t put themselves in your shoes until and unless fate brings them to the exact same position. That’s not empathy. It’s a selfish acknowledgment of how you’re feeling right now. You shift your perspective. One man’s trash is another man’s treasure. After all, this is a prisoner’s paradise. You’re so much better off then them - pretend that makes you feel any better.

Suddenly, randomly, you’ll get a jolt of inspiration or motivation. You marvel in it for the few seconds that it lasts. Then you open your eyes and you’re back where you started.

But it’s not all bad. Nope, it never is. Those two hours we spent chatting up a storm left me full of so many wonderful feelings. A rare occurrence and I ate it up. I’ve said it before, I’ll take what I’ve got and run with it.  I did not even realise how much time had passed. I simply lost myself in those words we threw out onto the table. Those tales and all those memories; all those points we were trying to make. The riveting discussion that quickly morphed into a friendly banter. Days later I was still thinking about it. And when I finally contacted you, your reply was so far from that previous day. There were no hard feelings and we parted ways. Strangers came and as strangers we left each other.

In the short duration you were with me, I never realised how important you were to me. I mean how could I have possibly known. We never stop to evaluate how we feel when we’re feeling something. Not until it’s fleeing and we try to cling on to it with our lives. Still, I have to commend you on your timing. Just when an iota of doubt creeped into my mind about you or how you may or may not feel, you come out of nowhere and drop a line or two. Given my fears and doubts stem from my own history with humanity and my own insecurities, I just… really like your timing. :)

This day and age is perfect for getting lost. Both in the good and bad sense, but it’s never been more accessible – the path to getting lost. Some might say this land of the lost has become the modern day Rome – where all roads seem to lead to. That is partly why I fear that I might turn into a monster. When I come out on the other side of this, I become so removed and distant, I start foaming in my mouth when someone tries to talk to me. I fear loosing everything that I hold dear to me. Then a voice inside me laughs mockingly. As if I have anything else to loose. I do. At this point I’m still me. Albeit a ghost, hovering and observing silently from above. I don’t want to loose who I am. And so I will hold on to it until the sun rises and the clouds clear. Help me.

619

I don't even care how gross and pixelated it looks. I wanted to make it as big as possible and this is the worst quality that I can tolerate.

So anyway, I logged in and the first thing that caught my eye was this number. It immediately triggered a slew of childhood memories.

When I saw that 619, Ray Mysterio was the first thing that popped into my head. I used to be a hardcore wrestling fan as a kid. Yes, I know it's fake. Yes I knew all along. Yes I still watched because I liked the way they told their stories and their 'performance' both in and out of the ring. I'm done justifying myself.

I had a happy childhood. I think that's why to this day, my inner child is a part of me that I will never be able to let go of. This number, represents mysterio's postal code (He's from San Diego) and his finishing move which is just absolutely show stopping. When I saw that number on my dashboard, it brought me back to the old days when I used to watch wrestling and my biggest problem was my art and craft project. Ahh sweet memories.

So here's a tribute to lil' Ray - and to all our childhoods. :)

               

Here's what he can do:

Ahh watching this makes me want to start watching wrestling again! Too bad it's not as good as it used to be. Oh well.

Stay hungry, stay curious and push on!

I just had to put this out here.

It's 2 10 am. I can't sleep. I am overwhelmed by this feeling that I cannot describe. Joy,  gratitude,  love,  there is not a word that is a perfect fit for this emotion. I have begun to appreciate the little things in life. Taking myself out of the helter-skelter that is the day to day. The one thing that I am most thankful for,  beyond anything, is to be blessed with a wonderful group of people that support and love me for everything that I am and encourage me to achieve everything that I'm not. I am so grateful to have people in my life, whom I can confide in wholeheartedly, without the slightest hesitation or fear of being judged. There is so much we can be unhappy with and complain about. There are so many tragedies around the world. But there are also so many wonderful things that life has to offer.  If you've read up to this poing, I'd like to assure you that I'm not drunk or high. I just got off the phone with P and I feel on top of the world right now. Our conversation and email /whatsapp correspondence has me so full of love and positive energy. Lately,  I've been so caught up in my own bubble that I've felt like I don't even exist anymore. I don't really know exactly what it was, I can't declare the rest on such a public platform. But I feel like that spark I couldn't feel for the longest time has been replaced by a raging fire that burns deep within and consumes me (it could be gass, for all we know - I kid ). So P, thank you sooo much for making me feel the way I do now. I wish I could hug you in person but I'll take what I've got and run with it. Thanks again, I love you. <3 Going to bed completely at ease for the first time in forever. I can't wait to wake up and read your email. I hope this day and call, has had even the slightest of a positive impact on you too. Stay strong like I know you are and brace the rain with as big a smile as you would brace the sun. Because as cheesy as it sounds, you only live once. :)

Everything I learnt this past summer.

I Just sent out an email to a very good friend of mine detailing all the things I learnt this past summer. I've decided to post a generic version here, omitting out the detail specific personal things I wrote to her. I'm really doing this to archive these lessons for my own personal reference later on, but if it helps someone else, why not? 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now, where were we? Ah yes, I'm going to share things I've learnt over this past summer. These may or may not apply to you. Remember, these are my lessons. I'm just sharing them with you because I feel like maybe there might be a thing or two you could take away from this.  Whether this helps you or not depends entirely on how you take things. 

On that note, I'd like to share my first lesson. These are in no logical order, I'm listing them out as I remember them. I digress. 

As I was saying, first lesson. You are the only person who can help yourself. Think of ‘You can lead a horse to water....’ I know this sounds stupid and really is just a bunch of common sense. But sometimes things like these aren’t completely internalized. What I mean by this is, people can give you advise, people can make you realize you have a problem, YOU can realize you have a problem – but there is a (not so) fine line between realizing you have a problem and having that problem fixed. That fine line, my beloved friend, is DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT! Have a plan, stick to it but don’t be afraid to steer away from it if you find another more compelling rout later. Life is all about change and embracing it. So for you, I would say, go back and read everything you wrote to me, everything that you said was wrong with you.

I want you to now take yourself out of the situation and think as objectively as you possibly can. Check and see whether the problems you listed above are really problems or just a figment of your imagination/ paranoia/ actually a coping mechanism (More on this later)/ is this really a problem or something that’s just – you. Is this something that’s just part of your personality, something that makes you who you are, uniquely you? Remember not every imperfection you have is worth changing, nobody’s perfect. Sometimes our flaws add to our character and changing them just because someone else doesn’t like them is not just stupidity but tragedy. On that note, think about whether this problem is really something YOU feel is a problem and YOU want to change. Not your mom, not your friends not even the guy down the road selling roasted peanuts (no matter how compelling a case he might make). Make sure this is what YOU want – no one else.

I’m hoping you would have streamlined your list by now. You now have the list of things you really want to work on. Now comes the hard part – the work. Form a plan, how do you think will be the best way for you to overcome all this? Read up online, ask friends but ultimately, form your own opinion and plan that works best for you. This involves really being in tune with yourself and most importantly, being honest, objective and realistic. Coming back to the main point, this is all on you, whether you actually do the work and reap the results.

The second thing I learnt was something I’ve mentioned in the first. Be in tune with yourself. This is a never ending journey of self-discovery. You need to make sure that you are completely aware of the things that are going on within your head. Know not only your strengths and weaknesses, but also your insecurities and fears and why you do the things you do. The idea is to be completely honest with yourself so you can progress into becoming the best person that you can be. This includes knowing your coping mechanism and having a support system. Talking to people and sharing your troubles is a perfectly normal coping mechanism so stop worrying about it. Look up the different types of coping mechanisms and try and understand them. Knowing this will not only help you understand yourself better, it will help you connect with other people better as well.

Third lesson, rationalize your fears of failure. Everyone is afraid to fail. But if you can overcome that fear, wouldn’t that just be awesome? The thing is, it’s all about perspective. EVERYTHING is about perspective. You just have to change the way you view failure and your fear will be gone with the wind. Here’s how I see it, you live and you learn. Nothing is truly a waste, because there will always be something that you can learn from any given situation. It’s all about having an open mind, a willingness to learn and improve yourself. It’s all about having a positive attitude that could potentially inspire someone else to change their life. So don’t be afraid to fail, take risks and leaps and soar! Even if you crash and burn, you get right back up and keep moving forward with your newfound wisdom.

The fourth is an extension of the third. Don’t fear your past failures. Embrace them. I know I’m repeating myself but it’s not a waste, you came out stronger and learnt from it. You have what it takes to bounce back and achieve everything you dreamed of and more. Do your best! Remember what is important to you and what your priorities are. Don’t forget them! YOU CAN DO THIS!

The fifth is about being yourself and keeping yourself motivated. As silly as this sounds, give yourself pep talks. All that approval and reassurance you seek from others can come from you as well. Don’t worry about making meaningful relationships, they will happen along the way. Spend QUALITY time with people (e.g. lunch) that matter to you. But remember to focus on your priorities.

The sixth is to speak up for yourself. Be kind to others but don’t let them bulldoze over you.

The seventh is to LISTEN MORE! You’ll learn so much more if you let others speak and really listen to what they’re saying. This also shows them that you care about what they have to say and that they are important to you. The biggest gift you can give someone is your time and ears. When they’re talking, don’t think about what you’re going to say next or go off a tangent in your own thoughts, listen to them, really listen. Stay quiet when they pause because they more often than not have more to say. Ask relevant questions to get them to open up more and really get to know them. IT’S ALL ABOUT THEM, NOT YOU. This is a great example of giving in a relationship. Give them your time and attention. You’ll never know what you can learn from someone. Each person is a goldmine of knowledge and information, you’ll be surprised how much you can learn from the most random people.

Lastly, the eighth lesson. This was from the TED talk by Amy Cuddy. Little tweaks lead to BIG CHANGES. One of them is to power pose every day as she mentioned. Another one is to give yourself pep talks, as I mentioned (I can’t remember where I picked this up from). And when the going gets tough and you feel like you can’t do it/ you don’t belong in a certain place, fake it till you BECOME it! Just keep pushing on and always remember, “This too, shall pass”.

That’s almost everything I learnt this past summer. At this point, this is all I can remember. We've all got a long way to go and lots more to learn. Hopefully we’ll continue to grow and become the best that we can be. Sharing our life and our love with the people we can connect with, the people that matter to us. <3

I'm feeling much better this week. I'm actually FEELING this week. No longer numb and I'm so glad. Now I just need to move on with my life and get that momentum going. I feel really tired, need to freshen up and get some work done. One day at a time. I'm off now, till the next time;

Stay hungry, stay curious and push on!!!

" 'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." - Alfred Lord Tennyson

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.” - C.S. Lewis

[Source]