Post Op...

So this is day four since I had my surgery. I had it done last Friday and that was day 0. The pain is... Painful but it's manageable. When I say it's manageable, I mean that I'm not going to die but it's still no fun. Especially when it hurts like hell.

So the surgery went really well. I still remember when it was 11:21 am. I had settled into my ward about 10-15 minutes ago and the stretcher came to get me. I still remember that overwhelming sensation. The nerves building up and I was just so afraid because they were here. They were here to get me. I remember the lady asking me of I had to pee. I didn't really but I went in anyway. That bought me some time. Then a nurse came and removed my nail polish from my hands because apparently they use your nails to check your oxygen level (what!?!).

Then the lady told me to lie down on the stretcher. I asked if I could just walk to the operation theater but she wouldn't have it. Apparently it's procedure to wheel people in like they're a corpse. That was quite unsettling. Being wheeled to the operation theater. I got to meet the anesthetist and my orthopedist. Then his assistant asked me which leg I was supposed to be operated on (WHAT THE FUCK!?!). Thankfully I was way calmer then I am now. In fact I was really calm right before the surgery. I still remember. There was nothing on my mind. It was completely blank. I remember getting the IV inserted and then the anesthetist poured in the medicine and that was that. Oh and they put on the oxygen mask. I remember that.


I woke up at about 1:45 pm in the recovery room. I still remember that feeling. I was in an odd kind of pain. Probably due to the anesthetic. I still remember I was smiling because I knew it was over. Fun times.

Then I was wheeled back to my ward. Funny thing was that the doctor said I'd sleep all day. But I didn't. I didn't sleep at all.

A bunch of my friends came to visit and I felt really good seeing them. Especially since I was feeling kind of grumpy. They made me feel good. It was a very interesting experience being hospitalized. I couldn't move so I had to pee in a bed pan for the first time in my life. I'll leave you to google that if you don't already know what it is. That was not a fun thing I must say. I mean the technology is great! But it feels like you're going to pee all over the bed when you're actually peeing in the bed pan itself. Not a fun time at all needless to say.

For someone who is always moving around pacing, walking, talking, being confines to a bed/sofa for prolonged periods of time is hard. But it's given me allot of time to think. Now I'd be lying if I said I made some profound and deep discoveries or realizations but I've thought allot about what's been going on lately. I was actually quite surprised with myself. I have been unusually understanding lately. During a time when I really should be thinking about myself, I actually managed to spare a thought for others or rather not get upset/ angry even though it probably would be understandable if I was.

I've thought about it and you know what? I have allot of fucked up relationships. But hey, who doesn't? I really like this new arrangement I've had with myself. I don't really know when this came about but I'm glad it did. Ever since I stopped having any expectations of people, I've felt a whole lot better. I don't expect anything of anyone and from anyone but myself. I find it easier to be happier this way.

You can try holding on to that standard or that relationship or that expectation. But be it any of the three, things will change and you will have to adapt and move on. By holding on like that for dear life, you're really doing yourself a disservice. There is so much more you can accomplish and so much more joy you can feel if you just let go. The thing is, I'm not going to push away because I feel I deserve better. I'm going to take charge because I feel better. I don't have to burn any bridges but I don't have to let people get to me either. I have always been here and I always will be. But you know what they say about one sided relationships and what not.

Sometimes though I feel like I need to be a little less understanding. But meh. I guess those kind of connections are really hard to find. I'm going to keep looking.


I'm recovering well I would say. My leg is swollen pretty bad and sometimes it feels like the painkillers aren't working but I can feel the improvement everyday. I look forward to the time when I will be able to do all the normal things again. Like cycling or even running. I seriously can't wait. Right now, in stuck in the sofa wishing I could do a little rain dance or something.

Finals are approaching fast and I am beyond unprepared. It's not easy to study with a leg like mine but I guess I have no choice. I'm just going to have to see what happens. With the ending if this freshmen year and the current state my knee is in, I've come to learn that nothing lasts. So cherish what you have when you have it. For the most part, I'm glad I did. I still remember all the times in term one and two when I anticipated this time. When I tried to organize class outings or trips to legoland. I knew this day would come and that we should create as many memories that we will cherish forever. All the birthdays and the late nights and the dinners and the movies and the badminton and the messing around. This term was different though. I spent most of it by myself either enjoying my solitude or bearing with my loneliness. I think I ate alone pretty much most of the time this term. Because I couldn't be bothered to tag along with anyone else. Because I was always dealing with something or the other. Wow this really has been one fucked up term. I'm sad that it has to end on this note for me but I'm glad that I know thing are getting better. I'm looking forward to the internship and then pillar year. Whatever pillar I choose, I know it will be all good. Because I know who I wanna be and what I'm going to do about it. I feel like at least my mind is in the right place and although this term didn't go well, I'm going to leave on the best possible note. The future is one big question mark but that's what excites me about it. Lets take a step into tomorrow and see what awesome stuff happens. And until it does happen;


Stay hungry, stay curious and push on!!!

Pre Op...

So it's finally going to be time. Time for the surgery. I'm at home, just had my last supper. It wasn't what I was craving (I wanted a milkshake) but it was delicious nonetheless. Now I'm about to sleep for the last time... Before I get screwed for life... Puns... Fun times.. Heh

Ever since the surgery was finalized for today, I have been having nerve wrecking thoughts. Every time I try to think/talk or even now, when I'm writing about it, I feel nothing. Then out of nowhere, it'll sneak up on me. It will hit me over and over again like a sudden jolt of electricity coercing though my veins. That and the stupid muscle spasms I've been getting. They make me realize how real and final this is. I'm going to have a screw in me. Try saying that out loud. See how ridiculous it sounds? You probably won't be able to relate. Unless you've been screwed yourself. I have heard so many people talk about this and I could never imaging going through it. It's just one of those things that you can't feel/think about until it is going to happen to you.

So like I said, now and then, I'll have the Pre-op nerves. But I know everything's gonna be alright. I mean I've been through this before. I was just much younger. It's different when you don't know what's happening to you. I didn't even know I underwent surgery till weeks after. I didn't know I was put under anesthesia either. But this time I know everything. I can do this.

I'm glad I watched the surgery. It was hard to sit through and I was cringing throughout but I'm glad I sat through it. At least I know what's going to happen and my imagination can't run wild on me. I'm not worried about the surgery.. Not much anyway. I'm more concerned about how I'll feel when I wake up after. Will the vomiting sensation be really strong? How much pain will I be in? Guess I'll find out soon huh?

As I was tying this, I turned to my knee, gave it a loving, reassuring tap and told it that everything was going to be alright. Because today is all about it! Haha!

So I better go now, I need to get some sleep before its morning and we have to get to the hospital. Hope the food will be good there!

Before I go, I just wanted to thanks all the wonderful people that have shown care and concern in their own little ways Many of them were so random and unexpected! Like there was this one guy who texted me asking if he could prey for my knee! I was a little puzzled because we're not that close but it was touching indeed! Now if he'd just get around to making those name cards, he'd be awesome :).

I can't wait for the surgery to end. I'll keep you posted!

Meanwhile, stay hungry, stay curious and push on!!!


P.S. this is a new X-ray I took recently. It shows that the bone fragment has shifted to another position! That little thing sticking out in the middle, yeah that's it!

Never, EVER kiss and tell.

I stopped writing about what's been bothering me because honestly, what's the point anymore? That and there's no time.

I just wanna talk about this one thing that happened to me. We all know how I injured my knee. What shocked me was when I realized someone was telling another version of what had happened. It sickened me to my bone. To find out that things that happen in primary/ secondary school would happen at uni. I mean this person was having a good time with everyone's attention at my expense. Now I really don't care to much for what people think, I never really did. But this speaks volumes about your character and honestly, how do you sleep at night?

Since I found out, I have let it go, I didn't even confront the person because again, what's the point? I forgive but I don't forget. I'm just turning the other way next time. Especially given this person's track record. This isn't a one off thing. This person is a repast offender. I feel badly for all the people whom you have victimized but I refuse to be a victim.

As for everything else that's been going on, I have come back full circle to a slightly darker place. Only this time, I'm not going to let it get to me like it did before. No more demons, no more playing with fire. I'm just going to continue picking up the pieces and holding on. I have hope this time. It's stupid because this time, it's a lot less intense. Infact this is nothing compared to the beginning of term. This time it's just dealing with the ramifications of what transpired in the earlier weeks plus a little thing or too. That and my knee. Ahh good old knee. I love how my knee didn't give up on me when I needed it the most. Like shifting apartments. Sometimes I can't even believe all the stuff I did with a dislocated kneecap and a piece of loose bone floating around -threatening to poke out of my skin or into my muscle tissue.

The swelling has gone down significantly. Pain wise, there's good days and bad days. I realized that the pain and the sensation never went away. It's always been there. I have just gotten used to it. So used to it sometimes I wonder what I'll feel like after surgery. Sometimes I wonder why this had to happen to me. But I try not to dwell on it too much because that was clearly out of my control.

Parting thoughts: I'm just going to carry on. Because I choose to believe everything will fall into place.

There's. this emptiness I feel right now. It resonates through me originating at my very core. I hope this emptiness can someday be filled. Till then, I'm just going to put a smile on my face when I don't feel like smiling and smile twice as hard when I actually do. Because that's what I do. I'm just going to do what I always tell you to do!

Stay hungry, stay curious and push on!!

The perfection of a child....

I'm sitting at the oasis, under a clear black sky stained with the amber of light pollination.

This has been a great day. Finally a day in school that felt like a breather. A day where I didn't feel like I was just going through the motions. A day where I could just stop and look around, being able to appreciate where I am. It's funny - I wasn't planning to write. I just wanted to enjoy my beautiful campus in all it's nightly glory. So I'm sitting, smack in the middle of campus, plugged in and typing away.

I don't know, I feel like so much has happened. It's always like this. This place is just so fast paced! It's not necessarily a bad thing, but it could be at some point. It has been. I just do t feel like I'm soaking in this place like I know I can, like I know I should be. I need to work on that.

I should do this more often, I'm liking this allot. Just like I like clubbing allot. It's about getting away and not are just a means to an end. Believe me, I don't plan on spending my money at the club. I'll get in for free whenever I can and I'll have the time of my life. I don't care for the social status or stupid memberships that really don't mean anything. It's all about the music and loosing yourself in it for me. Of course, a little alcohol to get you pumped never hurts but I really don't care much for alcohol either. At the end of the day, I just want to unwind. Be it at the beach or in a club or at the oasis, it's about releasing all that negative energy to the universe. I mean we all know that the entropy of the earth is always increasing, anyway. Why not let the bad stuff out and soak in all the good? All I know is that it feels right and I feel good.

"I don't want this moment, to ever end. Where everything's nothing, without you" - with me, SUM 41.

In my case, you refers to everyone. Everyone I've ever met here.

I've come to a point where I don't know what to say anymore. So I'm not going to force it.

But before I leave, I just wanted to talk about this lingering thought. These lingering thoughts.

On my birthday, my mom whatsapped me a whole bunch of my childhood pictures. I could help but look, I couldn't stop looking. I don't mean to brag, but I was perfect. We were all perfect. I can't help but wonder what happened since then... Life happened. It's just interesting to look back at myself - my flawless self - and see all that has changed. I know it sounds depressing but really it's not. It's fascinating and intriguing but not depressing. You can't run away from life. Not for long anyway. It was just great to see where I was back then and where I am now. I'm interested to find out where I'm going. The future is so exciting. Who knows what's going to happen? I guess only time will tell and it's only a matter of time before we find out.

Till then, stay hungry, stay curious and PUSH on!!