So the surgery went really well. I still remember when it was 11:21 am. I had settled into my ward about 10-15 minutes ago and the stretcher came to get me. I still remember that overwhelming sensation. The nerves building up and I was just so afraid because they were here. They were here to get me. I remember the lady asking me of I had to pee. I didn't really but I went in anyway. That bought me some time. Then a nurse came and removed my nail polish from my hands because apparently they use your nails to check your oxygen level (what!?!).
Then the lady told me to lie down on the stretcher. I asked if I could just walk to the operation theater but she wouldn't have it. Apparently it's procedure to wheel people in like they're a corpse. That was quite unsettling. Being wheeled to the operation theater. I got to meet the anesthetist and my orthopedist. Then his assistant asked me which leg I was supposed to be operated on (WHAT THE FUCK!?!). Thankfully I was way calmer then I am now. In fact I was really calm right before the surgery. I still remember. There was nothing on my mind. It was completely blank. I remember getting the IV inserted and then the anesthetist poured in the medicine and that was that. Oh and they put on the oxygen mask. I remember that.
I woke up at about 1:45 pm in the recovery room. I still remember that feeling. I was in an odd kind of pain. Probably due to the anesthetic. I still remember I was smiling because I knew it was over. Fun times.
Then I was wheeled back to my ward. Funny thing was that the doctor said I'd sleep all day. But I didn't. I didn't sleep at all.
A bunch of my friends came to visit and I felt really good seeing them. Especially since I was feeling kind of grumpy. They made me feel good. It was a very interesting experience being hospitalized. I couldn't move so I had to pee in a bed pan for the first time in my life. I'll leave you to google that if you don't already know what it is. That was not a fun thing I must say. I mean the technology is great! But it feels like you're going to pee all over the bed when you're actually peeing in the bed pan itself. Not a fun time at all needless to say.
For someone who is always moving around pacing, walking, talking, being confines to a bed/sofa for prolonged periods of time is hard. But it's given me allot of time to think. Now I'd be lying if I said I made some profound and deep discoveries or realizations but I've thought allot about what's been going on lately. I was actually quite surprised with myself. I have been unusually understanding lately. During a time when I really should be thinking about myself, I actually managed to spare a thought for others or rather not get upset/ angry even though it probably would be understandable if I was.
I've thought about it and you know what? I have allot of fucked up relationships. But hey, who doesn't? I really like this new arrangement I've had with myself. I don't really know when this came about but I'm glad it did. Ever since I stopped having any expectations of people, I've felt a whole lot better. I don't expect anything of anyone and from anyone but myself. I find it easier to be happier this way.
You can try holding on to that standard or that relationship or that expectation. But be it any of the three, things will change and you will have to adapt and move on. By holding on like that for dear life, you're really doing yourself a disservice. There is so much more you can accomplish and so much more joy you can feel if you just let go. The thing is, I'm not going to push away because I feel I deserve better. I'm going to take charge because I feel better. I don't have to burn any bridges but I don't have to let people get to me either. I have always been here and I always will be. But you know what they say about one sided relationships and what not.
Sometimes though I feel like I need to be a little less understanding. But meh. I guess those kind of connections are really hard to find. I'm going to keep looking.
I'm recovering well I would say. My leg is swollen pretty bad and sometimes it feels like the painkillers aren't working but I can feel the improvement everyday. I look forward to the time when I will be able to do all the normal things again. Like cycling or even running. I seriously can't wait. Right now, in stuck in the sofa wishing I could do a little rain dance or something.
Finals are approaching fast and I am beyond unprepared. It's not easy to study with a leg like mine but I guess I have no choice. I'm just going to have to see what happens. With the ending if this freshmen year and the current state my knee is in, I've come to learn that nothing lasts. So cherish what you have when you have it. For the most part, I'm glad I did. I still remember all the times in term one and two when I anticipated this time. When I tried to organize class outings or trips to legoland. I knew this day would come and that we should create as many memories that we will cherish forever. All the birthdays and the late nights and the dinners and the movies and the badminton and the messing around. This term was different though. I spent most of it by myself either enjoying my solitude or bearing with my loneliness. I think I ate alone pretty much most of the time this term. Because I couldn't be bothered to tag along with anyone else. Because I was always dealing with something or the other. Wow this really has been one fucked up term. I'm sad that it has to end on this note for me but I'm glad that I know thing are getting better. I'm looking forward to the internship and then pillar year. Whatever pillar I choose, I know it will be all good. Because I know who I wanna be and what I'm going to do about it. I feel like at least my mind is in the right place and although this term didn't go well, I'm going to leave on the best possible note. The future is one big question mark but that's what excites me about it. Lets take a step into tomorrow and see what awesome stuff happens. And until it does happen;
Stay hungry, stay curious and push on!!!
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