It's 2 10 am. I can't sleep. I am overwhelmed by this feeling that I cannot describe. Joy, gratitude, love, there is not a word that is a perfect fit for this emotion. I have begun to appreciate the little things in life. Taking myself out of the helter-skelter that is the day to day. The one thing that I am most thankful for, beyond anything, is to be blessed with a wonderful group of people that support and love me for everything that I am and encourage me to achieve everything that I'm not. I am so grateful to have people in my life, whom I can confide in wholeheartedly, without the slightest hesitation or fear of being judged. There is so much we can be unhappy with and complain about. There are so many tragedies around the world. But there are also so many wonderful things that life has to offer. If you've read up to this poing, I'd like to assure you that I'm not drunk or high. I just got off the phone with P and I feel on top of the world right now. Our conversation and email /whatsapp correspondence has me so full of love and positive energy. Lately, I've been so caught up in my own bubble that I've felt like I don't even exist anymore. I don't really know exactly what it was, I can't declare the rest on such a public platform. But I feel like that spark I couldn't feel for the longest time has been replaced by a raging fire that burns deep within and consumes me (it could be gass, for all we know - I kid ). So P, thank you sooo much for making me feel the way I do now. I wish I could hug you in person but I'll take what I've got and run with it. Thanks again, I love you. <3 Going to bed completely at ease for the first time in forever. I can't wait to wake up and read your email. I hope this day and call, has had even the slightest of a positive impact on you too. Stay strong like I know you are and brace the rain with as big a smile as you would brace the sun. Because as cheesy as it sounds, you only live once. :)
I Just sent out an email to a very good friend of mine detailing all the things I learnt this past summer. I've decided to post a generic version here, omitting out the detail specific personal things I wrote to her. I'm really doing this to archive these lessons for my own personal reference later on, but if it helps someone else, why not?
Now, where were we? Ah yes, I'm going to share things I've learnt over
this past summer. These may or may not apply to you. Remember, these are my
lessons. I'm just sharing them with you because I feel like maybe there might
be a thing or two you could take away from this. Whether this helps you or not depends entirely
on how you take things.
On that note, I'd like to share my first lesson. These are in no logical
order, I'm listing them out as I remember them. I digress.
As I was saying, first lesson. You
are the only person who can help yourself. Think of ‘You can lead a horse
to water....’ I know this sounds stupid and really is just a bunch of common
sense. But sometimes things like these aren’t completely internalized. What I mean
by this is, people can give you advise, people can make you realize you have a
problem, YOU can realize you have a problem – but there is a (not so) fine line
between realizing you have a problem and having that problem fixed. That fine
line, my beloved friend, is DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT! Have a plan, stick to it
but don’t be afraid to steer away from it if you find another more compelling
rout later. Life is all about change and embracing it. So for you, I would say,
go back and read everything you wrote to me, everything that you said was wrong
with you.
I want you to now take yourself out of the situation and think as
objectively as you possibly can. Check and see whether the problems you listed
above are really problems or just a figment of your imagination/ paranoia/ actually
a coping mechanism (More on this later)/ is this really a problem or something
that’s just – you. Is this something that’s just part of your personality,
something that makes you who you are, uniquely you? Remember not every
imperfection you have is worth changing, nobody’s perfect. Sometimes our flaws
add to our character and changing them just because someone else doesn’t like
them is not just stupidity but tragedy. On that note, think about whether this
problem is really something YOU feel is a problem and YOU want to change. Not
your mom, not your friends not even the guy down the road selling roasted peanuts
(no matter how compelling a case he might make). Make sure this is what YOU
want – no one else.
I’m hoping you would have streamlined your list by now. You now have the
list of things you really want to work on. Now comes the hard part – the work. Form
a plan, how do you think will be the best way for you to overcome all this? Read
up online, ask friends but ultimately, form your own opinion and plan that
works best for you. This involves really being in tune with yourself and most
importantly, being honest, objective and realistic. Coming back to the main
point, this is all on you, whether you actually do the work and reap the
results.
The second thing I learnt was something I’ve mentioned in the
first. Be in tune with yourself.
This is a never ending journey of self-discovery. You need to make sure
that you are completely aware of the things that are going on within your head.
Know not only your strengths and weaknesses, but also your insecurities and
fears and why you do the things you do. The idea is to be completely honest
with yourself so you can progress into becoming the best person that you can
be. This includes knowing your coping
mechanism and having a support
system. Talking to people and sharing your troubles is a perfectly normal
coping mechanism so stop worrying about it. Look up the different types of
coping mechanisms and try and understand them. Knowing this will not only help
you understand yourself better, it will help you connect with other people
better as well.
Third lesson,
rationalize your fears of failure. Everyone is afraid to fail. But if you
can overcome that fear, wouldn’t that just be awesome? The thing is, it’s all
about perspective. EVERYTHING is about perspective. You just have to change the
way you view failure and your fear will be gone with the wind. Here’s how I see
it, you live and you learn. Nothing
is truly a waste, because there will always be something that you can learn
from any given situation. It’s all about having an open mind, a willingness to
learn and improve yourself. It’s all about having a positive attitude that could
potentially inspire someone else to change their life. So don’t be afraid to
fail, take risks and leaps and soar! Even if you crash and burn, you get right
back up and keep moving forward with
your newfound wisdom.
The fourth is an extension of the third. Don’t fear your past failures. Embrace them. I know I’m repeating
myself but it’s not a waste, you came
out stronger and learnt from it. You have what it takes to bounce back and achieve
everything you dreamed of and more. Do your best! Remember what is important to
you and what your priorities are. Don’t forget them! YOU CAN DO THIS!
The fifth is about being yourself and keeping yourself
motivated. As silly as this sounds, give
yourself pep talks. All that approval and reassurance you seek from others
can come from you as well. Don’t worry about making meaningful relationships,
they will happen along the way. Spend QUALITY time with people (e.g. lunch) that
matter to you. But remember to focus on
your priorities.
The sixth is to speak up for yourself. Be kind to others but don’t let them bulldoze over you.
The seventh is to LISTEN
MORE! You’ll learn so much more if you let others speak and really listen
to what they’re saying. This also shows them that you care about what they have
to say and that they are important to you. The biggest gift you can give
someone is your time and ears. When they’re talking, don’t think about what you’re
going to say next or go off a tangent in your own thoughts, listen to them,
really listen. Stay quiet when they pause because they more often than not have
more to say. Ask relevant questions to get them to open up more and really get
to know them. IT’S ALL ABOUT THEM, NOT YOU. This is a great example of giving
in a relationship. Give them your time
and attention. You’ll never know what you can learn from someone. Each
person is a goldmine of knowledge and information, you’ll be surprised how much
you can learn from the most random people.
Lastly, the eighth lesson. This was from the TED
talk by Amy Cuddy. Little tweaks lead
to BIG CHANGES. One of them is to power pose every day as she mentioned.
Another one is to give yourself pep talks, as I mentioned (I can’t remember
where I picked this up from). And when the going gets tough and you feel like
you can’t do it/ you don’t belong in a certain place, fake it till you BECOME
it! Just keep pushing on and always remember, “This too, shall pass”.
That’s almost everything I learnt this past summer. At this
point, this is all I can remember. We've all got a long way to go and lots more
to learn. Hopefully we’ll continue to grow and become the best that we can be.
Sharing our life and our love with the people we can connect with, the people
that matter to us. <3
I'm feeling much better this week. I'm actually FEELING this week. No longer numb and I'm so glad. Now I just need to move on with my life and get that momentum going. I feel really tired, need to freshen up and get some work done. One day at a time. I'm off now, till the next time;
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.” - C.S. Lewis
I realise I move too fast. Get too close too fast. Drop my guard and trust that primal good that is humanity too fast.
While I realize that I want to change one of those things (I really should be more careful ), I am completely content with the rest. It's who I am. It's part of my core being and changing that would be tragic to say the least. I've been reading and watching allot of things relating to personal image and perception. It was one of those internet stumbles that lead me down a path of fresh perspectives and self discovery. How we view ourselves and our bodies, what we expect in relationships and even sex and sexuality. It's all part of what we're taught from this patriarchal society that we live i. IT'S ALL A LIE! Its what they want you to think (most of it anyway ). I've decided to draw my own conclusions. I found that there are still some parts of it I agree with. For everything else, I've formed my own opinions and it's made all the difference.
One of those things has to do with worrying less about what I'm not in control of and focussing more on what I can. This includes letting go and moving on. I realize now that things were so forced and unrealistic back then. I was forcing it. Pushing and clawing at my very best to mould things into that picture I had in my head. I realize now that it wasn't meant to be. Looking forward I feel like pillar year will put things in their place. I just need to put my best foot forward and not let the past weigh me down. Don't get me wrong, the memories are great and I'll take them with me. I won't however, carry on in the delusion that this might work out. A clean break is what I need. It is what is best for everyone. (I had to delete the last few lines of this paragraph. : ( Goodbye words. Goodbye you. )
On a less mellow but equally emotional front, I'm really excited for what is to come. Especially now, when I have something so concrete and so immediate to work towards. I feel like this short term goal, whether I achieve it or not, will definitely propel me in the right direction. Just knowing that, makes me feel so much more excited about the unknown! I just wish I can overcome this inertia and get a move on. Time is running out as we speak. I need to get my shit together. Just like Mike Ross from suits. Lol. Truth is, I'm feeling great! I just need to act on these feelings and get that momentum going. That rhythmic dance that is life and how us as people intertwine in it.
I'd like to end off with a message to a very special person.
You may or nay not ever read this. I may or may not be full of myself. Whatever the case, you are one lucky son of a bitch! ;) <3
I'm off now, till next time:
Stay hungry, stay curious and push on!
Also, love yourself for who you are. Cuz these days ain't coming back! <3
I figured out what this blog is for. It's for all the times I'm supposed
to be doing something way more important. Then again, what other time is there
to blog? (I seriously need to list out my priorities).
So much has happened since my last published post. That's right - this
isn't my first time here in months. Truth is, I've written so much - so much
bull shit that I always end up deleting everything. I've felt so frustrated, so
angry, so bitter after each post because the words - they just deserted me. Even
now, thinking about it, I'm falling back into the same pattern so I shall leave
it here and just not bother.
Reading her blog and just how profound her words are. How they all
fall into place like the pearls on a necklace. I wish I could be half as
profound as her. At least she managed to inspire me enough to write something I
might actually publish (we'll see by the time I come to the end). That's not
all she has done for me. So many thoughts in my head, so many words unsaid.
It's just not the same now, but I guess I'll just have to live with it - that
void that now consumes me. She isn't the sole culprit but I will get to her
accomplice later. She's an enigma. Yet, unlike the unknown, her presence is
more than welcome. But maybe that's it. I love the unknown. It fascinates me.
SHE fascinates me. To be around her, sit with her in her quiet company as we
both get lost in our own thoughts is like sleeping on my bed. I hardly get to do
it and I can't seem to get enough of it. Let me not creep her out any further.
Fuck that, I've always been one to speak and write freely. Truth is, I never
saw her coming. Then again, from what I hear, no one did ;). She just crawled
right in, under our skin and into our hearts and made it her own. She made it
her home. She fucking owned that shit. Then I thought she left, but turns out
she's still there. She’ll always be there. There were never any try outs but
she made the cut. She made the A-list. That's just what she does. She ain't no
cowgirl, bursting in guns blazing. She's that Black Panther that nobody had to
let in. They say hindsight is 20-20. Looking back now, I still don't know when
she made her move. Was it her carefree yet quiet laugh or the way she responded
to me? Was it those two nights or that letter she wrote to me?
You - your words, they cut me like a sword.With every phrase - eternal joy, they sting like the pins of a message
board.
<3
Then we have her accomplice.
Your light, shines bright, emitting photons like no other. You reflect me, unlike no mirror, as if we're children - born from the same mother.
<3
She was here first. Instantly. Like a flash of light. She is so full of
energy, passion and love. All of it bursting at the seams. Only god knows how
she manages to contain it. Maybe that's why she's so explosive. Her intensity
matching mine, surpassing it and then coming right back next to mine again. Oh
her taste in music. Childlike - and yet, the simplicity of it seems to bring out
her beauty even more. I want her to write me a resume. Not the usual kind. I
want her to fill a page with all that she has inside so that I can stare at it
and just - sigh. Like I do when I think about all that she is and all that she
means to me. Her uncanny resemblance to me - just all that's positive. Just
everything that I ever could be. Everything I want to be and more. She's like a blooming flower in the middle of the mud. She's like a whiff of optimism with a dash of
determination. She's like my sister from another mister. She is the successful
me. She is...herself and so much more. She has no idea what she means to me. So
much so that I would hate for her to not want to have anything to do with me if
she ever read this. Does that happen to people allot? Is this normal? I don't
know. All I know is that I would do anything to keep that smile on her face forever. I love the way she reacts when I compare her to that fictional character that she hates so much. I love arguing with her and watching her argue with other people. She has had a huge impact on me to say the least. I want to be like her,
to live like her and to impact others just like her. She's become
my yardstick. People have told me numerous times that I deserve better.
Well, she's just about as good as it gets and I'm on a quest to find more like her - to fill my life and consume me.
I deserve better: This kind of brings me back to a note one of my classmate wrote for me
on a brown square piece of paper. A really sweet and kind boy whose truthful
words lined my heart with acid and burnt it three million times
over.
"It doesn't hurt
to say again. I really admire how you go out to care for your friends, though
they might not reciprocate"
I remember thinking at the start of the third semester, maybe it was
time I started thinking more about myself before others. How I was dead
wrong. It wasn't that I was putting others way before myself. I mean I was but
when is that ever a bad thing? Thing is, I completely lacked that primal
instinct that was. Self-preservation. I was putting others before me but I was
also letting myself crumble away in the process. Chunks of me taken away in the
transactions that I initiated out of my own good will. Give them an inch and
they'll take a yard. But what if you didn't give them an inch? What if you gave
them everything you had and then some? What if you threw all your chips
in with all your cards out on the table? What if that's just who you god damn
are? What if this wasn't a game of cards for you but you were playing on the
adults table? Looking back, I still stick to my guns; it is better to have
loved and lost. Because these aren't just battle scars I'm sporting. They
double up as my badges of honour. You see, you can play the role of a victim,
or you can strut your stuff like the veteran you truly are. It's all about
perspective. I mean if I wanted to play victim, I should have started from the
beginning -when the doctors told my parents I’d have to go to blind school. Hell, I should have quit while I was ahead. When I was still that adorable little
hyperactive girl everybody loved.
You know what I am glad of though? I'm glad I learnt from my mistakes.
I'm glad I started taking a step back and appreciating the very moment I was
in. I'm glad I had the foresight to know that time flies like a motherfucker.
Faster than the blink of an eye, these moments we're in will be gone forever. I'm glad I
commit to memory as much as I could. Now my only regret is not taking enough
pictures. But seriously though. Be it in cohort classroom having retarded
moments with the class, getting stressed up about design, writing my essay wee
into the night waaaaay last minute, acing it, all the heart to hearts I ever
had since 2012, this past summer, saying goodbye, hugging them real tight and
everything and everyone else that mattered to me. I'm glad I learnt my lesson
and that I've been acting on it. Cuz it's all about the now, soak it all in as
much as you can before the moment is gone. Because you only live once. This kind of reminds me of that
bridge off one of Macklemore's songs, ten thousand hours.
"It's the part
of the show where it all fades away
When the lights go to black and the band leaves the stage
And you wanted a encore but there's no encore today
Cause the moment is now, can't get it back from the grave"
At the end of the concert sometime the band will come back out and play another song, sometimes not. Macklemore is using a metaphor to state that you might get another opportunity to live again tomorrow but you might not so live it like your last, you can’t get today back from the grave. Carpe diem, the original YOLO.
The show that Macklemore is referring to is a metaphor for a person’s life. When facing death, everyone wants a second chance — a little more time to accomplish what they could have. But there are no encores in real life — when the lights fade, you die, and the band won’t be coming back to play. Using the word “grave” further evokes death imagery and solidifies the metaphor
Allot of people wonder why I'm so fascinated with this guy. You should
pay attention to all his lyrics - you'll find your answer. I mean the guy is
AMAZING. <3
Moving on.
SO much has happened since I last published a post here. From finals to
orientation to my internship getting cancelled, finding a new one, meeting a
bunch of kick-ass people from the US of America and all the memories that were
created. The summer is screeching to an end and I'm still picking up the pieces
from term three. Funny how life works. Above all, I'm thankful for this new
outlook on relationships, work and life in general. I really did not mean to
spend so much time writing this post and going through the wide variety of
emotions as I did. So much has changed and yet there is so much that is still
the same. I'm really looking forward to working towards achieving these new goals
and aspirations I have set for myself. I just have to remember to take it all
one step at a time. Slowly but surely, we will all get there.
