Involuntary knee-jerk reaction and the aftermath that follows.

Letting pure sadness, grief even, overcome you.

You're in a room full of people but you're not there.

Going back in time, revisiting some painful memories.

The shock if how intense the feeling is suddenly gripping you. Suddenly, you can't breathe. You can't think.

Needing so desperately to talk to someone. To tell them what is going on. Wanting to shout it out to every person you meet.

Finding a quiet place to think. There's an expanding fireball growing from your chest, threatening to explode, it risks shattering you into a million pieces.

Standing there, tight jaw, feeling the heat on your face. Waiting for that tipping point where you just break down but the tears won't come.

Somehow, you get your shit together and get some work done. You head back to your place and get in the shower. Things seem to be moving.

Out of nowhere, you realize the tears have been streaming down for a while now, blending and cascading with the water from the shower. It hits you like a train, crushing and cutting you into pieces - you let go.

You're in a state of semi shock as the earth shattering sobs reverberate through you. You have never cried this hard - ever.

The shower is noisy and the music is loud but you wonder if anyone can hear you. You try to get it together but you're barely upright, leaning against the wall. You cough awkwardly - a feeble attempt to mask what is really going on. There is a knock on the bathroom door, she says they're back. You wonder if she could tell your voice is fucked up. Survival mode kicks in and tapes back some of the pieces. You're thankful everyone's asleep.

* * * * * *

Lets just pretend this was me practicing my narrative skills. Because admitting I'm at an all time low is too much right now.

I can't even begin to go into what happened, what I've been through or what I'm dealing with right now.

Right now, I am going to allow myself some sleep, focus on the lesson later and get some exercise. It will be hard not to think, not to feel, but I will not dwell until I am in a more stable state of mind. Where my emotions are in check and my thoughts are coherent.

I'm off to bed now, till next time...




... Try and take yourself out of the situation and take your own advice. Good night.

Becoming lazy...

So much has happened since my last post.. So much that I can't even remember right now...

I have basically been really down Te past couple of days, plagued by bullshit that doesn't even matter. Sometimes I don't even wonder why I care so much. I really need to out up more barriers so that people with malicious intent can't get to me so easily... This may sound absurd but I kinda feel like Stefan from the latest episode of TVD. The one where he turns off his emotions, stops giving two shots and well.. There's the whole thing with Rebecca but I digress.. I really should be more guarded... Proceed with caution.

I'm other news, school has started in full swing with term three. So far so good but there is a need, now more then ever to maintain! I would say I started the term on the right foot. So lets just keep putting our best foot forward and let our lives unfold as they will. I mean it's definitely was not perfect, but is it ever?

This brogramming thing has got me all frustrated and annoyed with my self. But I guess that's what happens when you come in late for the first lesson because you were preoccupied by cluster phobia getting an MRI scan (which by the way, I pulled through! It's all about breathing and assuring yourself that you won't be stuck in that confined space forever- you'll be let out soon). Another problem is I still can't see the screen even from the very front seat.. I really need to find a way to work around this pronto! I mean I can't get the ever so kind an patient and green angel of a classmate of mine to teach me what he learnt in class because I can't see.

Don't get me wrong. It's not like I'm not tying. But it is virtually impossible for me to follow the lesson without being able to see the screen! It's so frustrating! But this is not a new predicament.. I just have to find another way to cope. I usually rely on hearing but in this case, the instructor doesn't say what he types letter for letter... So I have to find another way.. I have long passed the phase where I wished I could see better.. Now it's just about new challenges and overcoming them. I hope I think of something soon... Before I get left too far behind.

I'm off now Till the next time, stay hungry, stay curious and push on!


P.s I started drinking coffee and it has the opposite effect on me! I feel sleepy and drows instead of alert and awake! :(

Broken...

Broken - that is just how I feel right now. That's all. There is nothing else to it.



Excuse me while I go dwell in a bottomless pit of every negative option ever felt....

The quiet after the storm is just the quiet before another one...

So it's been a while since I've blogged proper. Truth is, the last few times I poured my heart out onto a blog post, it somehow got wiped away because I didn't save it. After that you just don't have the heart to re-write it so you just don't bother posting anything.

First and foremost, INTRUDER ALERT!!!! Haha! So my friend found my blog... I was so confident she wouldn't be able to, but I guess I underestimated her stalker abilities and over estimated my "encryption". Haha congrats to her, I'm going to be a pint of ice cream poorer. Haha!

On a sadder note, let me talk about stupid spur of the moment I-did-not-think-this-through mistakes/moments. Everyone has them, everyone regrets them. However, when your relationship with someone you're close to happens to be on the line, it hurts that much more.

Lets say for example, you cheat on your partner. The amount of pain and trauma you cause them is just immeasurable and unforgivable. You'd feel really bad for hurting them so bad and would do anything to make it better/for them to forgive you. Sad truth is, nothing will ever be enough. Now imagine the same scenario, only you have major trust issues and paranoia. You've been hurt the same way before and have a zero tolerance for cheering. But for some reason, you're the one who cheated on your partner. That's just a whole new level of fucked-up. To the one that got cheated on, you have every right to be angry. To the hypocrite who cheated. Shame on you, you'll probably never be able to forgive yourself and that's exactly what you deserve. You need to move on and rebuild yourself. Again.

This blog of mine has always been filled with random-ass posts an this is no exception.

"The quiet after the storm is just the quiet before another one." - A new, untrained shadow hunting author

This quote pretty much sums my present and my immediate past and future.

Life is just one lesson after another, I look back at my life so far at a glance and I'm bemused by how I got here. Looking back at all the lessons I've learnt, the easy way and the hard way, everything I've gained and everything I've lost. It just feel so confusing right now. It's like you're wandering in the jungle and suddenly you're lost because you don't know which direction you're heading in. There are definitely things Ive done that I'm proud of -- ok here's where I stop making sense.

I realized that every time I'm stressed, sad or worried I sigh out loud. I've also realized after talking to some people that I'm too much of an open book. But I guess that's just the trade off between full disclosure and --

here I go again, not making any sense. I'm off now. To practice some drums, the one thing I can say for sure I'm passionate about. Hopefully I'll be back here soon. Hopefully writing about happier days. Although at this point, I highly doubt it.

Till then, stay hungry, stay curious and push on!

Game on!

So one of my really good friends has been challenged to find this blog, lets se if she is successfully in her quest! I have valued my privacy and liked the fact that no one I knew was reading this and this judging me, I know, a very insecure sentiment to have.

I have now decided to tell a select group of my very very Very close friends. Lets see what they think.. Haha!

Till then, stay hungry, stay curious and push on!

Tid bit of a reflection...

I never imagined my life would turn out like this. I mean some things you expect and some well, you don't. I like where I'm at, looking forward, I like where I'm heading. It's not perfect and there's room for (LOTS of) improvement.

I'm a student in a great school, with wonderful and caring faculty, staff and management. I have made wonderful friends and am proud to pioneer a wonderful degree program. I need to work so much harder, pull up my grades which are Farley below average right now. Other then that, a bunch of insecurities and issues, I'm fine. When you have a positive outlook, take a step back and break thing down, life becomes easier to live and you can let yourself enjoy the people and things that matter with a peace of mind that is just - priceless.

Today was day one of repentance and redemption. After that, we kicked off my Club's orientation/bonding camp. Although I felt bad for not being able to help out in the planning process at all, it felt good to just lay back and participate. Just let loos and have fun! There were many reasons why I was frustrated, helpless and flat out not looking forward to the camp at all. I realize now that, although I did have valid points and concerns wrapped up in all those negative emotions, allot of it had to do with my own insecurities and issues. But today, I let go let loose and just had fun! Perhaps a bit too much, bordering on crazy, but it's a camp! You're supposed to make a total fool of yourself! Right? Haha!

You know, this whole blogging thing is really working out for me. I mean taking the time to type my thoughts out and keep a record of them. Thing is, I haven't told anyone about this blog. To my knowledge, no one I know of knows of the existence of this blog. Then again, I know someone, remember good old J? Also known as super stalker. She might be reading this. Haha. I have contemplated telling maybe just her and a couple of my other really close friends about it and giving them the URL, but then I always flake out last minute because I like this privacy. Knowing that if they can read this, they can't judge me for what I write here. Haha. Yet some how I can still manage to get 20-30 page views. Come on now, lets interact a little. If you are reading this, please comment below and tell me a bit about yourself, where you're frown etc. I often wonder what kind of people stubble upon this. I tried googling this blog but couldn't find it at all, no matter what I tried. So go on, don't be shy now, show that comment section a little love ;)

Gotta go get some work done. I really do need to focus better, be more task oriented and priorities! Can't star this visions late-night work cycle again! Times are easier now, the work load is light and not monumental I hope when thing start to speed up once term starts, I won't loose myself in a vortex of poor planning, procrastination, lack of focus and then the mad rush to try and stay afloat. I hope I'll be ready to tackle term three. With a little decline, exercise, healthy diet and what not. I need to bring back that Soccer player, goal keeper, motivated athletes version of my self and combine it with the person I have become today. A fee I think not so hard to achieve. Starting with tomorrow's Cycling trip, I'm going to turn my fitness, mentality and outlook around. So I'm off now, I'll be back real soon, keeping you (whoever you are) and myself posted on my progress.

Till then, stay hungry, stay curious and push on!

The January 1st post....

I think almost everyone who blogs has a post on either the 31st of December or the 1st of Jan- I just finished reading a couple.. Sadly, mine is found to be short hasty and well, lets hope it's at least coherent!

Why so hasty? I didn't write one beforehand when I had the time to, so that one is on me. Out the entire 31st and traveled during most of the 1st. Now I only have 10 minutes left before the clock strikes twelve so the pressure is on!!

I have travelled allot this year, especially on planes. Which, has actually lead to me developing a liking for planes. Haha.

Thailand, India, KL- okay so KL was transit, but it's still two planes!!!

Anyway, I just love that feeling, being air born. It's so, liberating! You feel so light and carefree. As you stare out of the window in quiet contemplation you begin to unravel so much. Possibly also because your head is cleared of the petty problems that -----Aww crap! It's twelve! Oh well---- overwhelm and blind you.

I'm still going to end this abruptly because I just reached home and I need to freshen up and make my way to hostel.

Before I go, there's a few more things I want to get off my chest. New year resolutions and what not. In this year , I have met so many wonderful people tans learnt so much from them. I will always cherish their friendship. A very wise friend of mine, she didn't know it at the time, but she was the one who brought me through this past term. Lets call her J. She told me once ( I have also read this on her blog countless times ;) )

"Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen" - Awesome J

It doesn't sound very sincere saying it so abruptly but due to the lack of time, I have seen this work and am going to give this mantra a go!

I really must rush now, but I hope I bring myself to write a decent 2012 reflection.

Till then, stay hungry, stay curious and push on!


Xoxo