Involuntary knee-jerk reaction and the aftermath that follows.

Letting pure sadness, grief even, overcome you.

You're in a room full of people but you're not there.

Going back in time, revisiting some painful memories.

The shock if how intense the feeling is suddenly gripping you. Suddenly, you can't breathe. You can't think.

Needing so desperately to talk to someone. To tell them what is going on. Wanting to shout it out to every person you meet.

Finding a quiet place to think. There's an expanding fireball growing from your chest, threatening to explode, it risks shattering you into a million pieces.

Standing there, tight jaw, feeling the heat on your face. Waiting for that tipping point where you just break down but the tears won't come.

Somehow, you get your shit together and get some work done. You head back to your place and get in the shower. Things seem to be moving.

Out of nowhere, you realize the tears have been streaming down for a while now, blending and cascading with the water from the shower. It hits you like a train, crushing and cutting you into pieces - you let go.

You're in a state of semi shock as the earth shattering sobs reverberate through you. You have never cried this hard - ever.

The shower is noisy and the music is loud but you wonder if anyone can hear you. You try to get it together but you're barely upright, leaning against the wall. You cough awkwardly - a feeble attempt to mask what is really going on. There is a knock on the bathroom door, she says they're back. You wonder if she could tell your voice is fucked up. Survival mode kicks in and tapes back some of the pieces. You're thankful everyone's asleep.

* * * * * *

Lets just pretend this was me practicing my narrative skills. Because admitting I'm at an all time low is too much right now.

I can't even begin to go into what happened, what I've been through or what I'm dealing with right now.

Right now, I am going to allow myself some sleep, focus on the lesson later and get some exercise. It will be hard not to think, not to feel, but I will not dwell until I am in a more stable state of mind. Where my emotions are in check and my thoughts are coherent.

I'm off to bed now, till next time...




... Try and take yourself out of the situation and take your own advice. Good night.