Two decades worth of perspective...

It is 12: 33 am at this very instant. I have been twenty for slightly over a half hour now. This has been a very, VERY LONG week and next week is going to be longer! But I had a really good day today (or yesterday since the date has changed)

I'm really tired and I can't really think. I'm going to watch some shows on the Mac and then hit the sack. I'll continue this in the morning or in the evening. But I just wanted to say that I really felt very happy today, the classmates and friends surprised me with the most precious cupcakes and a message board filled with notes from everyone. Then I went out for some Mexican food with the girls. It felt so good to be out with them after such a long time. Felt like the good ol' days :'). They got me brand new drumsticks! I love them so much! I can't wait to use them in class this Sunday ( that reminds me, I really need to get down to some practice!) !!

Went to the clinic to get the X-ray report which said I sustained a fracture.. Well boohoo! I ain't gonna let that get me down! So it hurts, I'll get over it! Physical pain I can deal with.. Anyway, so I sat down in the library, reading all the notes that I got! I couldn't stop smiling! My classmates are a sweet bunch! ;) there were these two notes though, that I read over and over and over. I intend to reply each and every note. But for these particular two, I'll need to read them 10-20 more times. I'll need to soak in every letter ever single dot and every canceled word. I'll need to digest it and really think about what I want to say because I want them to know exactly how I feel and I don't want to mess up a single word. Because they mean that much to me. But I'm not going to go into all that right now.

Holy shit! I'm twenty! I can't believe it. It feels so weird and yet so surreal.. I don't know what to say. I've been through so much, grown so much and there are so many more possibilities. There is so much to think about! Hitting the big 2-0 is like graduation. I feel like starting a new book! Forget a new chapter, I want to start a brand new series! Haha ok I know I don't make much sense.

I have thought a lot about what people wrote. It reminded me of who I used to be. Honestly, I miss that girl but I love the new me too. So I've decided, I'm going to take the pieces of the old me that I liked and fuse them with the new me. I am still the same person inside. I have just been dealing with so much and I felt so weighed down. But you know what? I dropped it. I dropped it and I washed my hands. I feel like I have never been truer to myself then I am being now. With the exception of two aspects, I truly believe that I have never been more in tune and in sync with myself. Sure at times it feels like everything is falling apart but hey, that's life for you! Lets talk about the two areas that I have been.. Poorly fairing in

Words that are left unsaid: Communication has always been very very VERY important to me. I never like to leave words left unsaid. No matter how hard it is to say, no matter how uncomfortable. Awkward is just not in my dictionary.. I don't leave things unsaid. That's not me. However, I am guilty of leaving several loose ends just hanging. I'm going to set things right. No matter how hard it is to talk it out, I'm going to do it. Because that's just who I am. A few people come to mind.. A few people I need to let go...

Being the spark that lights the dark: this one is actually quite sad. I mean how do you spread fun, laughter, peace and joy when you indulge in your dark passenger!? You let that darkness consume you and no one has a good time. Then, you drink too much at a school event and make a fool of yourself - let's not even go there...


I have always been optimistic, I have always found happiness in bringing smiles to other people's faces. I'm not really going to blame myself for this one. I needed to find myself. Focus on me. There was a time when I didn't even know who I am anymore. Does anyone ever really? I did however, manage to figure out what I stand for, who I am as of right now and the general direction in which I'm headed. I'd say that's pretty good on any day. You can't know everything. Besides, there is a thrill in the unknown. Tomorrow's a mystery and that excites me. Because tomorrow is filled with countless possibilities. I digress. I think I'm ready to spread the love around once more. This time however, I'm doing it for no one else but me. Because this is what I want to do, this is who I am and this is what will make me happy. I'm not compensating, nor am I insecure. Well, that's a lie. Everyone is insecure. I'm not THAT Insecure. I think it's time I start enjoying the little things in life again.

That's all I can manage to talk about right now. I'll write another post in the morning or at night.

Before I go, I just want to say something. I'm talking to you. You know who you are. I know we haven't been communicating and I'm partly to blame. I guess there is push and pull and I can see where you might be coming from. But weren't you the one who told me that not everything I read about was about me? I was quite shocked to read.. You know what I'm talking about. But I have a new attitude and my new mindset says that not everything is about you, but if the shoe fits then maybe we have to talk about why you feel this way. Honestly, I don't bite. Talk to me. Tell me how you feels what you're thinking! I can understand, now more then ever that it's not easy. Trust me, it's not easy for me to write this here either. I need to think about a few things and I'll come find you okay? But if you want this to work, we HAVE to COMMUNICATE! if it's hard to say, write it down, type it out. But TELL ME! I can't read your mind and as I've come to realize, you can't read mine either! (Who would've thought!?! Lol). Okay, you know it's time to how when you do not obey any laws of grammar or punctuation. Give me the weekend, I'll come find you. :)

Till then, stay hungry stay curious and don't let no broken bone hold you back; push on!

<3

God I still can't believe I'm twenty!

"Hey, you know this thing called life? Yeah, well I survived two decades worth!"

I'm done surviving, I want to live and to love. I want my happy ending. ;)

1:28 am

All I ever want from you or anyone else...

There are just too many things to be said, too many for me to remember and there is just too much work to be done. These are just a few that are at the top of my head right now.

Obligation:
I would like to relinquish any obligation that anyone might feel/have towards me. When I do something - especially if I do something for someone - I do it because I want to. Not because I feel obligated to do so in any way.

Along with everything else that's happened this term, there was the sheer lack of communication, misunderstandings, mixed signals and false hope that was dished out by a whole bunch of people. I know it takes two to clap and that I am just as guilty as everyone else involved but now, I want none of it.

I started out this year with the intention of making it MY year. Focussing on me and what I want, what makes me happy. That doesn't mean I won't care about everyone else. It just means that I want to focus on my own growth and my own happiness. I'm still me. I'm just someone who cares less of what others think and more of what I think. It's about how I view myself. About a week ago, the gravity of my decision really hit me and after I really let it go, I felt relieved. A little uneasy, but change is never easy. I'm liking the new me, the me that stands up for herself. The me that doesn't get so consumed in trying to mirror someone that everyone else wants me to be. I have a lot to work on, but you have to start somewhere right?

I started with loving myself. I guess the reason why I was the way I was, was because I didn't feel like I deserved anything. I didn't feel like my opinion or what I want or what would make me happy mattered. I used to over accommodate, I would become the person I was with. I would try and take little pieces of everyone and integrate them into me. I wasn't doing it right. Now that I love myself, sure I get a little lonely sometimes, sure I feel like crap, but I pick myself up because I know that I deserve better.

When I say I deserve better, I mean that I deserve to treat myself better. I deserve to be myself and I deserve to be treated better by others.

So back to the obligation thing, I really don't want to bind anyone to me by something that is so...contractual. There was a period where I didn't even know Who I was anymore. In that panicked sate, I withdrew from everyone. Now that I'm back on my feet, I'm hesitant to reach out to anyone. I've said this before, I really don't want to impose. I want what we have to be real, and easy like one, two, three. At least for now - I'm afraid of taking the first step because I'm still figuring out where I want to place my footing - I'm still exploring. So I stand here with open arms, waiting to be reached out to instead. I'm not going all the way anymore. If I see anyone heading my way, I'll meet them half way.

Injury:
My knee situation is turning out to be much worse then I hoped for. They're telling me I might have some serious ligament damage. Just when I picked myself off the shelf, I was bitch-slapped by this thing called life and plonked right back on there. At least this time, I'm eager to get back out there as soon as I can. I'm not jaded like last time. I'm not afraid. I can't wait to recover! I prey for patience and strength. I hope it doesn't take too long.

Getting older, wiser and growing:
Previously, with every passing year or birthday, I felt about the same. I didn't feel like there was much difference. I didn't feel like I had particularly grown wiser or had more profound and deep thoughts. This year is so different. My growth, my thoughts and the change is so palpable. I feel really good. Like I'm leaving my old skin behind and growing to fit into this new one that I'm wearing now. I feel oddly comfortable and at ease. I feel like I have let go of so much baggage, and now I feel feather light. There are still some wrongs that need to be set right but.. Meh. Whatever.

This week is going to be perfect. Despite that little dark cloud that I have to get through, I'm not going to let anything affect me. We can choose to mull over things that deserve mulling over. Or, we can choose to get our butts off the ground and get back up on our feet. Okay I'm not making any sense now. That's my cue to leave.

Till next time, stay hungry, stay curious and limp on!!


P.S: Sometimes, there's darkness at the end of the seemingly never-ending path that you're on. I choose to believe we write our own destiny and the time to make those destiny changing choices is near. There is a big question mark that looms ahead but that's what excited me. Who knows what I'll pick? Who knows where I'll end up!? All I know is, whatever happens, I'll turn out fine. I am fine now, more so then I was a year ago. I choose to believe that it'll all work out. #Faith haha! ;)

Theme of the week: Surreal

There are a few things I have always prided myself on. It's not really a big deal but I always felt good knowing that these few things had never happened to me. Fainting, nose bleeds, fractures, getting wasted, etc. When one of these things happen to you, it's and interesting experience. At least this one was, from my point of view.

I almost fainted.

I still remember everything so vividly and I don't think I'll ever forget. No one ever forgets their first. I think. I stood up and a few seconds later, I started feeling giddy. My hearing gradually left me. It was strange. The sound just kept getting damper and damper until it shut off completely. Then my vision started to leave me. I watched as it gradually got darker and darker and before I knew it, I couldn't see. I started taking deep breaths and my first aid training kept running through my mind.

"Hello! Hello! Are you ok?"

Recovery position, calling for an ambulance. I could feel my body going limp and I wanted to fall. My body was telling me it wanted to lie down. But I wouldn't have it. I held on the the railing behind me for support, injured knee and all. I told my friend I was blanking out and that I needed water. When she asked me what was wrong, I smiled and said "low blood pressure, I need water" my mind was still running and I remember I kept thinking "oh my god, I'm fainting, I cannot faint, must hold on, must stay standing, this is so cool, but I feel so helpless. Why can't I restart my body why..."

The next thing I remember is my friend telling me to hold on and not let go no matter what.

After that, I remember feeling the rim of the bottle on my lips and "drink up".

I regained full control of all my faculties before I was even through with the bottle.

The best part, it wasn't even a close friend of mine, it was no one I had expected to be there for me in my time of need. It was no one I was close to.

I can't help but feel a sense of eternal gratitude to both the people who helped me.

Every time I think about it, I can't help but wonder how amazing the human body is. I still remember the girl telling me later on " I am very impressed by the way you held on... That was sheer will."

I can't stop playing it back over and over in my head. Going through the motions of how it all went down. I wonder what would have happened it they weren't there to help me. If I had let go after some time and collapsed on the ground. I wonder how things would have turned out. Would that have been my last day? I don't know but I'm glad it wasn't.

Lots of other things happened this week, recovering from the sickness from hell, orientation dry run, first aid training, clubbing (to celebrate my recovery.. Haha thank god I didn't push my self too much), injuring my knee in the club and the aftermath of swellings and pain killers that followed. It's funny how you come out of something only to go into something else, know what I mean? There's a proverb that goes something like "you fall from the sky only to fall on cacti" haha how retarded and yet, so apt. Every time I think about how it happened, I can't help but smile a little. Like you stay sober only to have a drunk douche hit you in the knee. Thanks allot, great job bro!

This week, it also dawned on me that pointing things out and/ or talking about it actually means you care. You know what? I do care! But the feeling escapes me and it's fading fast...

There is allot of truth in the saying that whatever happens, happens for good and/or for a reason. I feel like coming out of what I did at the beginning of this term really opened my eyes to allot of things. I started to observe more, see more and feel more. Like I've said, I've never felt more alive.

Sometimes, I think about how I was before, why I did the things I did and what that meant. I need to do the same for now but I'm still processing the past and taking many lessons and insights from them as I do. I observe the people around me and see things I never saw before. Things that were right there in front of me all along. I feel like I have ALOT of thinking to do and that I might want to write some of them down. But where does one pen down their most sacred and secret thoughts? Thoughts that are meant for no one else to see. A physical diary that might be found someday? An unlisted and private blog that might someday get hacked and compromised? On my laptop, again with the hacking issue? Wow, another thing I need to think about. All I know is, shit just got real.

Parting thoughts:
- When one door closes, many more open.
- Luck is when opportunity meets preparedness.
- There are plenty more fish in the sea.


That's all I am going to say about that... Goodbye.

Until next time, stay hungry, stay curious and limp on! :D

Bad decisions bad consequences

I'm every period of your life, you make both good and bad decisions. For every semester that I studied in university so far, I've had my fair share of both.

From over stretching yourself to poor prioritizing to intoxicated stupors, You always, ALWAYS regret it in the morning.

I told myself I'd be more on task this term and I was for the most part. Except for this one module. It's like I combined everything I did wrong in the past few seems and went full on crazy but just this one mod. For the others, I'd say I'm doing a pretty good job staying on top of things. But for this one mod. I skipped all the classes, I didn't even look at it till the mid terms were a day as a half away. And then it was too late.

Oh well, I guess I just have to overcome this and learn from my -

I don't even want to call this a mistake. I keep going:

"what the hell was I thinking?!?!"

"Oh right, I wasn't."

This is just so highly unlike me. I know I was going through some fudged up shit, but that is no excuse! I shouldn't have skipped class. Period.

It's like in the movies when you keep telling the girl not to open the door ( in your head) and she does and then she dies. Like WTF!? That is all I can say. Thankful for one more weekend. Managed to do some good work today. Now if only I can make it through this test...

You know the whole "path less traveled by" thing? Yeah it's not a unified physics law. Its got it's limitations.... Sometimes the path less traveled by leads you into a big ass ditch. Or worse, off a cliff. When you're at the fork road, that call, in which path to take, is the bloody key. There's risk taking and then there's just being stupid. It's not hard to guess which one I fall under. :/

When I thought of the whole fork road and path less traveled by, especially during my dark days, I couldn't get these lyrics off my head:

"Slip out the back before they know you were there
at the worst you'll see nobody cares.
Cuz you don't wanna be around
when it all goes down,
even heroes know when to be scared"

I don't wanna be that person anymore, I'm not going to slip out the back. I'm right here. You want me? Come find me! :)

Also, the other key, is to bounce back! If you're stuck in the mud, you need to work that much harder, pedal to the metal and you still need one foot to be out of the car so you can push.

I think along with this, I will be done with paying my dues to those demons that I created really really soon. I simply can't wait!

I have never felt more alive, more content, more hungry and more me all year! :) *hugs self*

I'm officially back with a vengeance. A vengeance against those very negative thoughts and energy I once harbored.

MARCH is OURS!
2013 is OURS!
OWN IT, LIVE IT, LOVE IT!

*Lilly: "Testify" *
*Marshall: Faints *

<3

 Stay hungry, stay curious and PUSH ON! :)

You are my savior and I love you so

You know those people? The ones who you just click effortlessly with? The ones who become so close and dear to you that you literally feel their pain every time they tell you they're not alright? The ones whom you may not talk to for weeks or even months on end, but when you do, it's like you were never apart? The ones that make so much sense and give you exactly what you need the moment you need it?

Yeah :)

You know who you are. I just want you to know that you are freggin awesome and I love you! Side note, I'm really happy to know that one of you is in a good place, surrounded by opportunity and passion. <3
I can only wish I find that place soon. I feel like I'm close though.

I don't know why, but I'm don't really feel like expressing my self right now.. Hmm

~~~~

This fast paced life has almost become a norm for me. So much happens every week. I wonder if I'll go crazy when I leave school and go into the mundane and slow paced world. Haha.. Weird..

#####

Let see. Oh I've been sick almost the entire week. Looking forward to getting better.. I hope that happens soon.

Also brackets.
And cucumber pie. (Don't ask.. But yes, I am completely sober right now although I can't say the same for being sane)

Ahh yes.... The gravity of the next eight weeks has begun to dawn on me. These eight weeks mark the end of an era. They signify the end of hostel living, the end of being a freshman, the end of the entire cohort taking common modules, the end of the classes and the daily interactions - being in close proximity with people I have become oh so used to and comfortable with.

But every ending marks a new beginning and I am very excited to see what tomorrow will bring. 8 weeks to pay your dues and say your peace. I couldn't ask for more even if I wanted to. I'm just going to take things as they come and see what happens :)

--------

Good news for me though, I found my happy place in school and for that, I am utterly grateful. :)

•••••••••

I have been having really interesting dreams lately. This one time I dreamt that I was holding hands and walking with someone. As we walked, our fingers intertwined, cool breeze blowing against our face, I couldn't help but feel this eternal joy and peace. I was smiling from ear to ear because I had found the one. That one person whom I could count on. The one person whom I knew with absolute certainty, would pick me up when I fell. With that feeling, of complete peace and contentment radiating to every part if me, I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and turned to face that person.

Opening my eyes, I looked straight into those brown, bespectacled eyes that were searching mine. As we held our gaze, I uttered these words

"I am yours, to do with as you choose. I hereby completely and whole heartedly give myself to you. So go on, take me. Take control."

That person was me.
I woke up with a 39.9 degree fever.