Obligation:
I would like to relinquish any obligation that anyone might feel/have towards me. When I do something - especially if I do something for someone - I do it because I want to. Not because I feel obligated to do so in any way.
Along with everything else that's happened this term, there was the sheer lack of communication, misunderstandings, mixed signals and false hope that was dished out by a whole bunch of people. I know it takes two to clap and that I am just as guilty as everyone else involved but now, I want none of it.
I started out this year with the intention of making it MY year. Focussing on me and what I want, what makes me happy. That doesn't mean I won't care about everyone else. It just means that I want to focus on my own growth and my own happiness. I'm still me. I'm just someone who cares less of what others think and more of what I think. It's about how I view myself. About a week ago, the gravity of my decision really hit me and after I really let it go, I felt relieved. A little uneasy, but change is never easy. I'm liking the new me, the me that stands up for herself. The me that doesn't get so consumed in trying to mirror someone that everyone else wants me to be. I have a lot to work on, but you have to start somewhere right?
I started with loving myself. I guess the reason why I was the way I was, was because I didn't feel like I deserved anything. I didn't feel like my opinion or what I want or what would make me happy mattered. I used to over accommodate, I would become the person I was with. I would try and take little pieces of everyone and integrate them into me. I wasn't doing it right. Now that I love myself, sure I get a little lonely sometimes, sure I feel like crap, but I pick myself up because I know that I deserve better.
When I say I deserve better, I mean that I deserve to treat myself better. I deserve to be myself and I deserve to be treated better by others.
So back to the obligation thing, I really don't want to bind anyone to me by something that is so...contractual. There was a period where I didn't even know Who I was anymore. In that panicked sate, I withdrew from everyone. Now that I'm back on my feet, I'm hesitant to reach out to anyone. I've said this before, I really don't want to impose. I want what we have to be real, and easy like one, two, three. At least for now - I'm afraid of taking the first step because I'm still figuring out where I want to place my footing - I'm still exploring. So I stand here with open arms, waiting to be reached out to instead. I'm not going all the way anymore. If I see anyone heading my way, I'll meet them half way.
Injury:
My knee situation is turning out to be much worse then I hoped for. They're telling me I might have some serious ligament damage. Just when I picked myself off the shelf, I was bitch-slapped by this thing called life and plonked right back on there. At least this time, I'm eager to get back out there as soon as I can. I'm not jaded like last time. I'm not afraid. I can't wait to recover! I prey for patience and strength. I hope it doesn't take too long.
Getting older, wiser and growing:
Previously, with every passing year or birthday, I felt about the same. I didn't feel like there was much difference. I didn't feel like I had particularly grown wiser or had more profound and deep thoughts. This year is so different. My growth, my thoughts and the change is so palpable. I feel really good. Like I'm leaving my old skin behind and growing to fit into this new one that I'm wearing now. I feel oddly comfortable and at ease. I feel like I have let go of so much baggage, and now I feel feather light. There are still some wrongs that need to be set right but.. Meh. Whatever.
This week is going to be perfect. Despite that little dark cloud that I have to get through, I'm not going to let anything affect me. We can choose to mull over things that deserve mulling over. Or, we can choose to get our butts off the ground and get back up on our feet. Okay I'm not making any sense now. That's my cue to leave.
Till next time, stay hungry, stay curious and limp on!!
P.S: Sometimes, there's darkness at the end of the seemingly never-ending path that you're on. I choose to believe we write our own destiny and the time to make those destiny changing choices is near. There is a big question mark that looms ahead but that's what excited me. Who knows what I'll pick? Who knows where I'll end up!? All I know is, whatever happens, I'll turn out fine. I am fine now, more so then I was a year ago. I choose to believe that it'll all work out. #Faith haha! ;)
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