I'm really tired and I can't really think. I'm going to watch some shows on the Mac and then hit the sack. I'll continue this in the morning or in the evening. But I just wanted to say that I really felt very happy today, the classmates and friends surprised me with the most precious cupcakes and a message board filled with notes from everyone. Then I went out for some Mexican food with the girls. It felt so good to be out with them after such a long time. Felt like the good ol' days :'). They got me brand new drumsticks! I love them so much! I can't wait to use them in class this Sunday ( that reminds me, I really need to get down to some practice!) !!
Went to the clinic to get the X-ray report which said I sustained a fracture.. Well boohoo! I ain't gonna let that get me down! So it hurts, I'll get over it! Physical pain I can deal with.. Anyway, so I sat down in the library, reading all the notes that I got! I couldn't stop smiling! My classmates are a sweet bunch! ;) there were these two notes though, that I read over and over and over. I intend to reply each and every note. But for these particular two, I'll need to read them 10-20 more times. I'll need to soak in every letter ever single dot and every canceled word. I'll need to digest it and really think about what I want to say because I want them to know exactly how I feel and I don't want to mess up a single word. Because they mean that much to me. But I'm not going to go into all that right now.
Holy shit! I'm twenty! I can't believe it. It feels so weird and yet so surreal.. I don't know what to say. I've been through so much, grown so much and there are so many more possibilities. There is so much to think about! Hitting the big 2-0 is like graduation. I feel like starting a new book! Forget a new chapter, I want to start a brand new series! Haha ok I know I don't make much sense.
I have thought a lot about what people wrote. It reminded me of who I used to be. Honestly, I miss that girl but I love the new me too. So I've decided, I'm going to take the pieces of the old me that I liked and fuse them with the new me. I am still the same person inside. I have just been dealing with so much and I felt so weighed down. But you know what? I dropped it. I dropped it and I washed my hands. I feel like I have never been truer to myself then I am being now. With the exception of two aspects, I truly believe that I have never been more in tune and in sync with myself. Sure at times it feels like everything is falling apart but hey, that's life for you! Lets talk about the two areas that I have been.. Poorly fairing in
Words that are left unsaid: Communication has always been very very VERY important to me. I never like to leave words left unsaid. No matter how hard it is to say, no matter how uncomfortable. Awkward is just not in my dictionary.. I don't leave things unsaid. That's not me. However, I am guilty of leaving several loose ends just hanging. I'm going to set things right. No matter how hard it is to talk it out, I'm going to do it. Because that's just who I am. A few people come to mind.. A few people I need to let go...
Being the spark that lights the dark: this one is actually quite sad. I mean how do you spread fun, laughter, peace and joy when you indulge in your dark passenger!? You let that darkness consume you and no one has a good time. Then, you drink too much at a school event and make a fool of yourself - let's not even go there...
I have always been optimistic, I have always found happiness in bringing smiles to other people's faces. I'm not really going to blame myself for this one. I needed to find myself. Focus on me. There was a time when I didn't even know who I am anymore. Does anyone ever really? I did however, manage to figure out what I stand for, who I am as of right now and the general direction in which I'm headed. I'd say that's pretty good on any day. You can't know everything. Besides, there is a thrill in the unknown. Tomorrow's a mystery and that excites me. Because tomorrow is filled with countless possibilities. I digress. I think I'm ready to spread the love around once more. This time however, I'm doing it for no one else but me. Because this is what I want to do, this is who I am and this is what will make me happy. I'm not compensating, nor am I insecure. Well, that's a lie. Everyone is insecure. I'm not THAT Insecure. I think it's time I start enjoying the little things in life again.
That's all I can manage to talk about right now. I'll write another post in the morning or at night.
Before I go, I just want to say something. I'm talking to you. You know who you are. I know we haven't been communicating and I'm partly to blame. I guess there is push and pull and I can see where you might be coming from. But weren't you the one who told me that not everything I read about was about me? I was quite shocked to read.. You know what I'm talking about. But I have a new attitude and my new mindset says that not everything is about you, but if the shoe fits then maybe we have to talk about why you feel this way. Honestly, I don't bite. Talk to me. Tell me how you feels what you're thinking! I can understand, now more then ever that it's not easy. Trust me, it's not easy for me to write this here either. I need to think about a few things and I'll come find you okay? But if you want this to work, we HAVE to COMMUNICATE! if it's hard to say, write it down, type it out. But TELL ME! I can't read your mind and as I've come to realize, you can't read mine either! (Who would've thought!?! Lol). Okay, you know it's time to how when you do not obey any laws of grammar or punctuation. Give me the weekend, I'll come find you. :)
Till then, stay hungry stay curious and don't let no broken bone hold you back; push on!
<3
God I still can't believe I'm twenty!
"Hey, you know this thing called life? Yeah, well I survived two decades worth!"
I'm done surviving, I want to live and to love. I want my happy ending. ;)
1:28 am
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