All I can say right now.

1,2, Now...

[Verse 1]
Those 3 plus years, I was so proud of
Then I threw them all away, for two Styrofoam cups
The irony - everyone will think that "he lied to me."
Made my sobriety so public there's no fucking privacy
If I don't talk about it then I carry a date
A 08/10/08 that now has been changed
And everyone that put me in some box as a saint
That I never was - just a false prophet that never came
And will they think that everything that I've written has all been fake?
Or will I just take my slip to the grave?
What the fuck are my parents gonna say?
The success story that got his life together and changed
And you know, what pain looks like
When you tell your dad you relapsed and look at him directly into his face
Deceit on your shoulders, deceivingly heavy weight
Haven't seen tears like this on my girl in a while
The trust that I once built has been betrayed
But I'd rather live tellin' the truth and be judged for my mistakes
Than falsely held up, given props, loved and praised
I guess, I gotta get this on the page
Feelin', sick and helpless
Lost the compass where self is
I know what I've gotta do, and I can't help it
One day at a time is what they tell us
Now I've gotta find a way to tell them...
God help him...

[Hook: Ben Bridwell of Band of Horses]
We fell, so hard, now we gotta get back what we lost, lost
I thought you’d gone, but you were with me all along

[Verse 2]
And every kid that came up to me
And said I was the music they listened to when they first got clean
Now look at me - a couple days sober, I'm fighting demons
Back of that meeting on the East Side, shakin' tweakin'
Hope that they don't see it, hope that no one is lookin'
That no one recognizes that failure under that hoodie
Just posted in the back with my hands crossed, shook-en
If they call on me I'm passin' it, they talk to me I'm bookin'
Out that door, but before, I can make it
Somebody stops me and says "Are you Macklemore?
"Maybe this isn't the place or time, I just wanted to say that...
If it wasn't for 'Otherside' I wouldn't have made it..."
I just looked down at the ground and say "Thank you."
She tells me she has 9 months and that she's so grateful
Tears in her eyes lookin' like she's gonna cry, fuck
I barely got forty-eight hours, treated like I'm some wise monk
I want to tell her I relapsed, but I can't
I just shake her hand and tell her "Congrats"
Get back to my car, and I think I'm trippin', yeah
Cause God wrote 'Otherside', that pen was in my hand
I'm just a flawed man - Man, I fucked up...
Like so many others, I just never thought I would
I never thought I would, didn't pick up the book
Doin' it by myself didn't turn out that good

[Bridge]
If I can be an example of gettin' sober
Then I can be an example of startin' over
If I can be an example of gettin' sober
Then I can be an example of startin' over

[Hook]
[Source] 

Letting go and moving on.

I realise I move too fast.  Get too close too fast. Drop my guard and trust that primal good that is humanity too fast. 

While I realize that I want to change one of those things (I really should be more careful ), I am completely content with the rest.  It's who I am.  It's part of my core being and changing that would be tragic to say the least. I've been reading and watching allot of things relating to personal image and perception.  It was one of those internet stumbles that lead me down a path of fresh perspectives and self discovery.  How we view ourselves and our bodies, what we expect in relationships and even sex and sexuality.  It's all part of what we're taught from this patriarchal society that we live i. IT'S ALL A LIE! Its what they want you to think (most of it anyway ). I've decided to draw my own conclusions. I found that there are still some parts of it I agree with. For everything else, I've formed my own opinions and it's made all the difference.

One of those things has to do with worrying less about what I'm not in control of and focussing more on what I can. This includes letting go and moving on.  I realize now that things were so forced and unrealistic back then.  I was forcing it. Pushing and clawing at my very best to mould things into that picture I had in my head. I realize now that it wasn't meant to be. Looking forward I feel like pillar year will put things in their place.  I just need to put my best foot forward and not let the past weigh me down. Don't get me wrong, the memories are great and I'll take them with me. I won't however, carry on in the delusion that this might work out. A clean break is what I need. It is what is best for everyone.  (I had to delete the last few lines of this paragraph. : ( Goodbye words. Goodbye you. )

On a less mellow but equally emotional front, I'm really excited for what is to come. Especially now, when I have something so concrete and so immediate to work towards. I feel like this short term goal, whether I achieve it or not, will definitely propel me in the right direction. Just knowing that, makes me feel so much more excited about the unknown! I just wish I can overcome this inertia and get a move on.  Time is running out as we speak. I need to get my shit together. Just like Mike Ross from suits. Lol. Truth is, I'm feeling great! I just need to act on these feelings and get that momentum going. That rhythmic dance that is life and how us as people intertwine in it.  

I'd like to end off with a message to a very special person. 

You may or nay not ever read this. I may or may not be full of myself. Whatever the case, you are one lucky son of a bitch! ;) <3

I'm off now, till next time:
Stay hungry, stay curious and push on!

Also, love yourself for who you are. Cuz these days ain't coming back! <3

Time heals all wounds...even the kind you don't want healed...

I figured out what this blog is for. It's for all the times I'm supposed to be doing something way more important. Then again, what other time is there to blog? (I seriously need to list out my priorities).

So much has happened since my last published post. That's right - this isn't my first time here in months. Truth is, I've written so much - so much bull shit that I always end up deleting everything. I've felt so frustrated, so angry, so bitter after each post because the words - they just deserted me. Even now, thinking about it, I'm falling back into the same pattern so I shall leave it here and just not bother. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Reading her blog and just how profound her words are. How they all fall into place like the pearls on a necklace. I wish I could be half as profound as her. At least she managed to inspire me enough to write something I might actually publish (we'll see by the time I come to the end). That's not all she has done for me. So many thoughts in my head, so many words unsaid. It's just not the same now, but I guess I'll just have to live with it - that void that now consumes me. She isn't the sole culprit but I will get to her accomplice later. She's an enigma. Yet, unlike the unknown, her presence is more than welcome. But maybe that's it. I love the unknown. It fascinates me. SHE fascinates me. To be around her, sit with her in her quiet company as we both get lost in our own thoughts is like sleeping on my bed. I hardly get to do it and I can't seem to get enough of it. Let me not creep her out any further. Fuck that, I've always been one to speak and write freely. Truth is, I never saw her coming. Then again, from what I hear, no one did ;). She just crawled right in, under our skin and into our hearts and made it her own. She made it her home. She fucking owned that shit. Then I thought she left, but turns out she's still there. She’ll always be there. There were never any try outs but she made the cut. She made the A-list. That's just what she does. She ain't no cowgirl, bursting in guns blazing. She's that Black Panther that nobody had to let in. They say hindsight is 20-20. Looking back now, I still don't know when she made her move. Was it her carefree yet quiet laugh or the way she responded to me? Was it those two nights or that letter she wrote to me? 

You - your words, they cut me like a sword.With every phrase - eternal joy, they sting like the pins of a message board. 

 <3

Then we have her accomplice. 

Your light, shines bright, emitting photons like no other. You reflect me, unlike no mirror, as if we're children - born from the same mother.

<3

She was here first. Instantly. Like a flash of light. She is so full of energy, passion and love. All of it bursting at the seams. Only god knows how she manages to contain it. Maybe that's why she's so explosive. Her intensity matching mine, surpassing it and then coming right back next to mine again. Oh her taste in music. Childlike - and yet, the simplicity of it seems to bring out her beauty even more. I want her to write me a resume. Not the usual kind. I want her to fill a page with all that she has inside so that I can stare at it and just - sigh. Like I do when I think about all that she is and all that she means to me. Her uncanny resemblance to me - just all that's positive. Just everything that I ever could be. Everything I want to be and more. She's like a blooming flower in the middle of the mud. She's like a whiff of optimism with a dash of determination. She's like my sister from another mister. She is the successful me. She is...herself and so much more. She has no idea what she means to me. So much so that I would hate for her to not want to have anything to do with me if she ever read this. Does that happen to people allot? Is this normal? I don't know. All I know is that I would do anything to keep that smile on her face forever. I love the way she reacts when I compare her to that fictional character that she hates so much. I love arguing with her and watching her argue with other people. She has had a huge impact on me to say the least. I want to be like her, to live like her and to impact others just like her. She's become my yardstick.  People have told me numerous times that I deserve better. Well, she's just about as good as it gets and I'm on a quest to find more like her - to fill my life and consume me. 

I deserve better: This kind of brings me back to a note one of my classmate wrote for me on a brown square piece of paper. A really sweet and kind boy whose truthful words lined my heart with acid and burnt it three million times over. 

"It doesn't hurt to say again. I really admire how you go out to care for your friends, though they might not reciprocate"

I remember thinking at the start of the third semester, maybe it was time I started thinking more about myself before others. How I was dead wrong. It wasn't that I was putting others way before myself. I mean I was but when is that ever a bad thing? Thing is, I completely lacked that primal instinct that was. Self-preservation. I was putting others before me but I was also letting myself crumble away in the process. Chunks of me taken away in the transactions that I initiated out of my own good will. Give them an inch and they'll take a yard. But what if you didn't give them an inch? What if you gave them everything you had and then some?  What if you threw all your chips in with all your cards out on the table? What if that's just who you god damn are? What if this wasn't a game of cards for you but you were playing on the adults table? Looking back, I still stick to my guns; it is better to have loved and lost. Because these aren't just battle scars I'm sporting. They double up as my badges of honour. You see, you can play the role of a victim, or you can strut your stuff like the veteran you truly are. It's all about perspective. I mean if I wanted to play victim, I should have started from the beginning -when the doctors told my parents I’d have to go to blind school. Hell, I should have quit while I was ahead. When I was still that adorable little hyperactive girl everybody loved. 

You know what I am glad of though? I'm glad I learnt from my mistakes. I'm glad I started taking a step back and appreciating the very moment I was in. I'm glad I had the foresight to know that time flies like a motherfucker. Faster than the blink of an eye, these moments we're in will be gone forever. I'm glad I commit to memory as much as I could. Now my only regret is not taking enough pictures. But seriously though. Be it in cohort classroom having retarded moments with the class, getting stressed up about design, writing my essay wee into the night waaaaay last minute, acing it, all the heart to hearts I ever had since 2012, this past summer, saying goodbye, hugging them real tight and everything and everyone else that mattered to me. I'm glad I learnt my lesson and that I've been acting on it. Cuz it's all about the now, soak it all in as much as you can before the moment is gone. Because you only live once. This kind of reminds me of that bridge off one of Macklemore's songs, ten thousand hours.

"It's the part of the show where it all fades away When the lights go to black and the band leaves the stage And you wanted a encore but there's no encore today Cause the moment is now, can't get it back from the grave"

 At the end of the concert sometime the band will come back out and play another song, sometimes not. Macklemore is using a metaphor to state that you might get another opportunity to live again tomorrow but you might not so live it like your last, you can’t get today back from the grave.
Carpe diem, the original YOLO.
The show that Macklemore is referring to is a metaphor for a person’s life. When facing death, everyone wants a second chance — a little more time to accomplish what they could have. But there are no encores in real life — when the lights fade, you die, and the band won’t be coming back to play. Using the word “grave” further evokes death imagery and solidifies the metaphor

(Source) 

Allot of people wonder why I'm so fascinated with this guy. You should pay attention to all his lyrics - you'll find your answer. I mean the guy is AMAZING. <3

Moving on.

SO much has happened since I last published a post here. From finals to orientation to my internship getting cancelled, finding a new one, meeting a bunch of kick-ass people from the US of America and all the memories that were created. The summer is screeching to an end and I'm still picking up the pieces from term three. Funny how life works. Above all, I'm thankful for this new outlook on relationships, work and life in general. I really did not mean to spend so much time writing this post and going through the wide variety of emotions as I did. So much has changed and yet there is so much that is still the same. I'm really looking forward to working towards achieving these new goals and aspirations I have set for myself. I just have to remember to take it all one step at a time. Slowly but surely, we will all get there. 

Till then, stay hungry, stay curious and push on!

Also, something to lighten the mood. ;D

Its been more then a while...

Hi there.

Post Op...

So this is day four since I had my surgery. I had it done last Friday and that was day 0. The pain is... Painful but it's manageable. When I say it's manageable, I mean that I'm not going to die but it's still no fun. Especially when it hurts like hell.

So the surgery went really well. I still remember when it was 11:21 am. I had settled into my ward about 10-15 minutes ago and the stretcher came to get me. I still remember that overwhelming sensation. The nerves building up and I was just so afraid because they were here. They were here to get me. I remember the lady asking me of I had to pee. I didn't really but I went in anyway. That bought me some time. Then a nurse came and removed my nail polish from my hands because apparently they use your nails to check your oxygen level (what!?!).

Then the lady told me to lie down on the stretcher. I asked if I could just walk to the operation theater but she wouldn't have it. Apparently it's procedure to wheel people in like they're a corpse. That was quite unsettling. Being wheeled to the operation theater. I got to meet the anesthetist and my orthopedist. Then his assistant asked me which leg I was supposed to be operated on (WHAT THE FUCK!?!). Thankfully I was way calmer then I am now. In fact I was really calm right before the surgery. I still remember. There was nothing on my mind. It was completely blank. I remember getting the IV inserted and then the anesthetist poured in the medicine and that was that. Oh and they put on the oxygen mask. I remember that.


I woke up at about 1:45 pm in the recovery room. I still remember that feeling. I was in an odd kind of pain. Probably due to the anesthetic. I still remember I was smiling because I knew it was over. Fun times.

Then I was wheeled back to my ward. Funny thing was that the doctor said I'd sleep all day. But I didn't. I didn't sleep at all.

A bunch of my friends came to visit and I felt really good seeing them. Especially since I was feeling kind of grumpy. They made me feel good. It was a very interesting experience being hospitalized. I couldn't move so I had to pee in a bed pan for the first time in my life. I'll leave you to google that if you don't already know what it is. That was not a fun thing I must say. I mean the technology is great! But it feels like you're going to pee all over the bed when you're actually peeing in the bed pan itself. Not a fun time at all needless to say.

For someone who is always moving around pacing, walking, talking, being confines to a bed/sofa for prolonged periods of time is hard. But it's given me allot of time to think. Now I'd be lying if I said I made some profound and deep discoveries or realizations but I've thought allot about what's been going on lately. I was actually quite surprised with myself. I have been unusually understanding lately. During a time when I really should be thinking about myself, I actually managed to spare a thought for others or rather not get upset/ angry even though it probably would be understandable if I was.

I've thought about it and you know what? I have allot of fucked up relationships. But hey, who doesn't? I really like this new arrangement I've had with myself. I don't really know when this came about but I'm glad it did. Ever since I stopped having any expectations of people, I've felt a whole lot better. I don't expect anything of anyone and from anyone but myself. I find it easier to be happier this way.

You can try holding on to that standard or that relationship or that expectation. But be it any of the three, things will change and you will have to adapt and move on. By holding on like that for dear life, you're really doing yourself a disservice. There is so much more you can accomplish and so much more joy you can feel if you just let go. The thing is, I'm not going to push away because I feel I deserve better. I'm going to take charge because I feel better. I don't have to burn any bridges but I don't have to let people get to me either. I have always been here and I always will be. But you know what they say about one sided relationships and what not.

Sometimes though I feel like I need to be a little less understanding. But meh. I guess those kind of connections are really hard to find. I'm going to keep looking.


I'm recovering well I would say. My leg is swollen pretty bad and sometimes it feels like the painkillers aren't working but I can feel the improvement everyday. I look forward to the time when I will be able to do all the normal things again. Like cycling or even running. I seriously can't wait. Right now, in stuck in the sofa wishing I could do a little rain dance or something.

Finals are approaching fast and I am beyond unprepared. It's not easy to study with a leg like mine but I guess I have no choice. I'm just going to have to see what happens. With the ending if this freshmen year and the current state my knee is in, I've come to learn that nothing lasts. So cherish what you have when you have it. For the most part, I'm glad I did. I still remember all the times in term one and two when I anticipated this time. When I tried to organize class outings or trips to legoland. I knew this day would come and that we should create as many memories that we will cherish forever. All the birthdays and the late nights and the dinners and the movies and the badminton and the messing around. This term was different though. I spent most of it by myself either enjoying my solitude or bearing with my loneliness. I think I ate alone pretty much most of the time this term. Because I couldn't be bothered to tag along with anyone else. Because I was always dealing with something or the other. Wow this really has been one fucked up term. I'm sad that it has to end on this note for me but I'm glad that I know thing are getting better. I'm looking forward to the internship and then pillar year. Whatever pillar I choose, I know it will be all good. Because I know who I wanna be and what I'm going to do about it. I feel like at least my mind is in the right place and although this term didn't go well, I'm going to leave on the best possible note. The future is one big question mark but that's what excites me about it. Lets take a step into tomorrow and see what awesome stuff happens. And until it does happen;


Stay hungry, stay curious and push on!!!

Pre Op...

So it's finally going to be time. Time for the surgery. I'm at home, just had my last supper. It wasn't what I was craving (I wanted a milkshake) but it was delicious nonetheless. Now I'm about to sleep for the last time... Before I get screwed for life... Puns... Fun times.. Heh

Ever since the surgery was finalized for today, I have been having nerve wrecking thoughts. Every time I try to think/talk or even now, when I'm writing about it, I feel nothing. Then out of nowhere, it'll sneak up on me. It will hit me over and over again like a sudden jolt of electricity coercing though my veins. That and the stupid muscle spasms I've been getting. They make me realize how real and final this is. I'm going to have a screw in me. Try saying that out loud. See how ridiculous it sounds? You probably won't be able to relate. Unless you've been screwed yourself. I have heard so many people talk about this and I could never imaging going through it. It's just one of those things that you can't feel/think about until it is going to happen to you.

So like I said, now and then, I'll have the Pre-op nerves. But I know everything's gonna be alright. I mean I've been through this before. I was just much younger. It's different when you don't know what's happening to you. I didn't even know I underwent surgery till weeks after. I didn't know I was put under anesthesia either. But this time I know everything. I can do this.

I'm glad I watched the surgery. It was hard to sit through and I was cringing throughout but I'm glad I sat through it. At least I know what's going to happen and my imagination can't run wild on me. I'm not worried about the surgery.. Not much anyway. I'm more concerned about how I'll feel when I wake up after. Will the vomiting sensation be really strong? How much pain will I be in? Guess I'll find out soon huh?

As I was tying this, I turned to my knee, gave it a loving, reassuring tap and told it that everything was going to be alright. Because today is all about it! Haha!

So I better go now, I need to get some sleep before its morning and we have to get to the hospital. Hope the food will be good there!

Before I go, I just wanted to thanks all the wonderful people that have shown care and concern in their own little ways Many of them were so random and unexpected! Like there was this one guy who texted me asking if he could prey for my knee! I was a little puzzled because we're not that close but it was touching indeed! Now if he'd just get around to making those name cards, he'd be awesome :).

I can't wait for the surgery to end. I'll keep you posted!

Meanwhile, stay hungry, stay curious and push on!!!


P.S. this is a new X-ray I took recently. It shows that the bone fragment has shifted to another position! That little thing sticking out in the middle, yeah that's it!

Never, EVER kiss and tell.

I stopped writing about what's been bothering me because honestly, what's the point anymore? That and there's no time.

I just wanna talk about this one thing that happened to me. We all know how I injured my knee. What shocked me was when I realized someone was telling another version of what had happened. It sickened me to my bone. To find out that things that happen in primary/ secondary school would happen at uni. I mean this person was having a good time with everyone's attention at my expense. Now I really don't care to much for what people think, I never really did. But this speaks volumes about your character and honestly, how do you sleep at night?

Since I found out, I have let it go, I didn't even confront the person because again, what's the point? I forgive but I don't forget. I'm just turning the other way next time. Especially given this person's track record. This isn't a one off thing. This person is a repast offender. I feel badly for all the people whom you have victimized but I refuse to be a victim.

As for everything else that's been going on, I have come back full circle to a slightly darker place. Only this time, I'm not going to let it get to me like it did before. No more demons, no more playing with fire. I'm just going to continue picking up the pieces and holding on. I have hope this time. It's stupid because this time, it's a lot less intense. Infact this is nothing compared to the beginning of term. This time it's just dealing with the ramifications of what transpired in the earlier weeks plus a little thing or too. That and my knee. Ahh good old knee. I love how my knee didn't give up on me when I needed it the most. Like shifting apartments. Sometimes I can't even believe all the stuff I did with a dislocated kneecap and a piece of loose bone floating around -threatening to poke out of my skin or into my muscle tissue.

The swelling has gone down significantly. Pain wise, there's good days and bad days. I realized that the pain and the sensation never went away. It's always been there. I have just gotten used to it. So used to it sometimes I wonder what I'll feel like after surgery. Sometimes I wonder why this had to happen to me. But I try not to dwell on it too much because that was clearly out of my control.

Parting thoughts: I'm just going to carry on. Because I choose to believe everything will fall into place.

There's. this emptiness I feel right now. It resonates through me originating at my very core. I hope this emptiness can someday be filled. Till then, I'm just going to put a smile on my face when I don't feel like smiling and smile twice as hard when I actually do. Because that's what I do. I'm just going to do what I always tell you to do!

Stay hungry, stay curious and push on!!