Another lonely night... ...

Now before I say what I'm about to say, I want you to know that this is not a relapse. This is me, positive, optimistic and bubbly me who can't always be happy.

I can't say I haven't been having a good time lately. I think especially when you come out of being so down, upset and sad all the time, you really begin to appreciate all the good stuff. The little joys of life and the little things that people do (and don't do). I hope I can maintain this optimistic mindset. I know I can!

Being optimistic doesn't mean you're always happy. It just means you have a positive outlook even when the going gets tough. ( I know, you don't say, right? But I just felt like putting it out there. Heh!)

Lately however, I have begun to feel very much alone. I can be in a crowded canteen sitting with my classmates and suddenly I feel like I'm the only one in the room. This may sound a little selfish but sometimes, I give people hugs because I'm in need of a hug myself. :(

Other then that, it's been a good week or so. I just need to figure things out along the way I guess. I mean I don't think there will be any point in life where one will know everything with absolute certainty. I shall just do what I always tell you to do;

Stay hungry, stay curious and push on!

P.S. I have always made it a point to use my own pictures for this blog. But I can't help it. This one is just way too beautiful and it just about sums up How I feel right now. We (or at least me) are always trying not to live in a bubble. To continue pushing boundaries and comfort zones. Regardless, sometimes we get caught up in our bubble and we hate it. This picture to me, postulates that a bubble not only reflects but magnifies the world to you. It's all a matter of perspective. So let's stop bumming out about being trapped and enjoy the view that your bubble has to offer - both inside and out. Eventually you will break out and step into the world, but for now, just be.

[No copyright infringement intended, I do not own this picture. Although, I did take a screenshot of it so technically, I own the screenshot! Haha! Ok.]

What do I stand for? Most nights, I don't know, anymore...

I stood there and watched from a distance as this person completely broke down. Every inch of my body wanted to help. To forget and just offer my hand. But I knew it wasn't the right thing to do. If you help a butterfly break out of its cocoon, it will die because you didn't let it's wings strengthen up enough to fly. Once it is capable of soaring, it will break out without any help and join the other majestic creatures up in the skies.

This act of self control along with various events that took place this week reminded me of what it was like being me. What it was like being positive and hoping for the best. In people and in all situations.

With all of what happened, I decided that I'm so done with the whole negativity thing. I'm done with harboring it. I'm done embracing it. I'm done letting it dictate my life and who I become.

This past month, I found myself constantly bitter and exhausted. Then today I realized I was always so tired because it was exhausting trying to e someone I'm not. I was in such a bad place.

With this new week, I am allowing myself a semi-fresh start. Semi because I still need to pay my dues to the demons I have created and/or had dealings with. I find this amusingly ironic that my life for the past month mirrors Dexter's. I kept blaming things on -lets just call it my dark passenger (haha!). I kept saying it wasn't in my control and that I was driven by the darkness that crept in and burrowed a hole where my heart used to be. I realize now that there was no dark passenger. It was me. All me. I'm not going to blame The situation or my state of mind. I own this and I'm going to move past this. Tonight I bury the hatchet.

I thinks this walk over to the dark side was somewhat necessary (everything happens for a reason). Lets just say that now, I can appreciate the beauty both in the day and the night.

As for the other thing that was lingering, I got my answer. Actually, the lack of one gave me all the information I needed. At least I won't be wondering. Sometimes it's the "what if"s in life that hold you back the most. By eliminating that completely, I am now at peace.

This has been a very unexpected and undesired loop de loop in the roller coaster that is my life and frankly, I'm just glad it's over. I'm excited to see what's happens next.

There is no happy ending to this chapter but at least it's not a sad one.

I can't end this off without saying a few "thank you"s.


I'm grateful for all who came to my aid in these dark days. To be by your side during my time of need was a privilege I will cherish forever. I have an immense amount of love and respect for you, thank you! <3 data-blogger-escaped-br="">
To those who couldn't make it, I understand. To a subset of these people, I would like to thank you for helping out in your own little ways. Some of you don't even know what you did.

To those who had no idea what was happening: thank you for being you! You have no idea how many of you inspire me in so many ways you probably don't even know you could. Thanks for unintentionally lifting my spirits even if it was that little bit just by being you. <3 data-blogger-escaped-br="">
Lastly, and most importantly, to boldly the bolster. My beloved bolster:
Thank you for accompanying me through all those nights, for letting me cling on to you for dear life. For letting me cry into you and just being there by my side. For muffling the sobs so that no one herd them - not even my own roomie.

Alright that's it folks. Show's over. I am eager to begin this new week. I'm off! Till the next time, stay hungry, stay curious and push on!

P.S. Just felt like sharing this video.

Regardless of faith, not quitting does pay off.

Previously I talked about how I use to overcome - I used to believe that things would eventually get better and push on.

This time, though my faith was shaking and the belief wasn't there, I just kept putting one foot in front of another and it paid off! I'm really glad for that

I have a friend who is struggling with depression. Whenever I talk to her, I always tell her that she always has a choice. She could choose to turn things around but she just won't. Going through what I did, I actually got to see her perspective a little bit. When you give up on yourself, it is very difficult to get back up and start moving again. I was at that tipping point where I had to choose - Keep swimming or let the current drag me into a demonic whirlpool that I had created myself. All I'm going to say about this is, THANK GOD FOR FINDING NEMO! :D

I could see where I was heading and I didn't like it. It wasn't easy and it's still not over yet. At least I'm headed in the right direction now.

This stupidity of mine has lead me to become more exhausted and emotionally drained then ever before. I'm just glad I have began to move along.

There are many interesting things that happened over this period. Lets just say some stuff was said behind my back and I found out? Lets just say I noticed that people were actually allot more self absorbed then I thought? Lets just say that I was kicked while I was down so that other people could "prosper". None of these things are connected but I'm just so sick of it. All of it.

I just don't want to do it anymore. I don't want to pretend like everything is ok. Like I'm not upset. Like I'm not alone. Like I don't know what the fuck is happening as soon as I turn my back. Like I'm not being used. Like there is actually a meaningful connection between me and a certain someone who conveniently just talks to me when he needs something and other times he treets me like a piece of trash. Like who the fuck do you think you are? I have officially had enough.

Why do I keep to myself allot more these days? Because I hate that feeling of being unwanted/uninvited. I hate feeling like an extra piece of shit who doesn't belong where she is. I do not want to impose my presence on ANYONE. So I just stopped. Cold turkey. I'm done making people feel special only to feel like shit myself afterwords. So I just withdrew. From everyone. I believed (and still do) that if I was wanted, if I was needed I would be called upon. And when have I ever failed to answer? I just don't want to force relationships anymore. After he said what he did, aside from the obvious slap in my face, I realized that I was just trying to make it work- for no good reason. It's not like we're trapped together, unable to avoid each other. It's not like there is a need for a compromise.

So I decided (for now):

I'm done making the first move.

I'm done putting myself out there for everyone. If you want me, I'm right here.

If I meant anything to you, YOU would show it and I would respond.

If you wanted me around, you'd reach out.

Then I decided, why stop there, I applied it to everyone around me. It was one of the best things I've done. I actually don't give a fuck what anyone thinks (don't worry, I'm not turning into aqua). It just doesn't bother me anymore. I have decided that the best way for me to deal with the entire situation is to only extend my care for those who need it. Those who want it. Those who want me. For those people, I will be there whole heatedly. For anyone else, I will not give them a second look beyond common courtesy. I may sound harsh or cold or whatever but just know that I'm too hurt inside to be able to make myself vulnerable again. Shields didn't work so selective caring is the next best thing.

There are also people that I haven't been able to catch up with lately. People I hold dear to me but we've all been really busy lately and on too of all the work, I have all this shit to deal with. The bathroom stalls and my bed have been the only real place I have completely let myself go lately. They are the only ones who have witnessed everything first hand. I really don't want to burden anyone. Still, I wish that when the dust settles, they'd still be around. Although if they chose to leave I'd respect their decision.

You see, this is my head for the past month or so. Ranting away with all these negative emotions, working myself up till I'm out of breath. But there's a happier side to this as well. It hasn't been all pain, dwelling and tears.

I have talked to people I never knew before, made some new friends. I also had a chance to catch up with my primary school homie on valentines day. I participated in some competition where I lost most of my non existent face and humility. But I managed to win movie tickets for my whole class!

Today, I also hit the gym with one of my most intense workouts since the head injury that put me on the shelf for nearly two years! I ran 1.5 km, Cycled 6 on high resistance and the ran 3km! Plus a little weights but that was nothing. The 3k run was especially hard. I wanted to quit so bad. Somehow I managed I push myself through it and I actually felt like I legit accomplished something! Haha. Ok.

I have realized that I just have to keep pushing, keep trying and keep fighting- fighting for me.

So hello world, this is me, I'm jot going to lasso and reel anyone in. Come at will and lets make some memories. Because you only live once!

I'm off now, I need to go catch my breath again. Till the next time, stay hungry, stay curious and PUSH ON!

<3

P.s. Sometimes life takes an unexpected till on you, just know that there will always be a rainbow in there somewhere too! So while you're all caught up in your in little bubble, try to appreciate the beauty and wonder that surrounds you.

Does it ever truly get better?

Up till now, I have always been an optimistic person. No matter how hard things got, I always knew deep down that things would get better. Looking back I think that's what got me through thing - faith. No matter what happened, I never stopped believing and I overcome obstacles that I don't openly brag about but deep down, I had this feeling of pride and longing to make things better.

Lately, I just feel disconnected. From everyone and everything. There are a few times when I forget for a while and actually enjoy myself. Then everything just comes crashing back down and it's just so overwhelming sometimes. What's odd is that someone who always laughed has to fake it at first. Someone who rarely ever had damp eyes other then when she watched a sappy movie now bawls out almost every other day.

I just really have no idea where I'm at right now. I just feel so alone and so homeless directionless and useless. I march myself into the toilet, give myself a stern look in the mirror and tell myself to get it together. I take a few deep berths and drink some water from the water cooler. I tell myself to focus on my work and just block everything else out because its just too much to deal with. I do all this only to start tearing in class and here I am writing this.

I need someone to tell me it will be okay. To make me believe again. To make me trust again. I need some one to reach out. Maybe the spark really is gone. Maybe all I really need right now is a light to lead the way. A flame that will share it's warmth with me during this blizzard.

I know I'm being really stupid. I know I'm being negative. I know I new to get my shit together fast or face the consequences. This is hardly the state of mind anyone in the right mind should get be in.

I want to live like I did. I want to YOLO like I did. I want to make other people smile like I did. I want to be me again. It has gotten allot better. There has been ups as downs. Will somebody, anybody get me out of this fucking slump?

Sincerely,
I think I might have to see someone if it gets any worse.

Drunken stupors and the days that come after...

So much has happened. So much to think about. So many things that go on behind the scenes. Some of these things shake you from within, rocking your very existence. Others, swell your heart with a worm and satisfying fluid accompanied by a sense of satisfaction and happiness. Lets take things one at a time.

These past few days - okay the first two weeks of school - have been undoubtably and unforgivingly hard for me. I wish I could say it was the work. I wish that was what I was really being bothered by. Here's a shocker, it wasn't.

Since school started, I involuntarily and unknowingly went into a very dark place. I am not going to go so far as to say that I sank into depression but I think it gives you an idea. It was a low point but I know I've survived worse. I was at a place where there was allot of self loathing shamefully, allot if self pity. I'm sure I've made my stance on pity before so you can imagine why self pity would turn into even more self loathing. I was just at a place where I got affected by even the slightest of negativity. I chose to drown myself in a pit of sorrow an misery. The negative energy just took over. I would beat myself up about the tiniest of things. When you're in that state of mind and something happens that would upset the happy go lucky hobo, you'd be as devastated as I was.

Then came the concerned friends truly worried about me, asking all these questions. Questions I could not answer. It meant so much to have them by my side.

Interestingly enough, week one was the tip of the iceberg. I thought I was getting better, I was even opening up, stepping out of this shell I had created. But week two was a complete (subconscious at first) breakdown of any law and order in my mind. I did not pay attention for most of my classes, I did not understand most of what was covered and worst of all, I decided to pick that week to push my alcohol tolerance to its almost-limit; in SCHOOL! At this point, I am just grateful I did not get wasted or I would have never been able to forgive myself. That was me being self destructive... Sobering up was a very interesting experience. You begin to question why you did what you did but you don't have answers to allot of the questions.

Then the drama that unfolded was just ~ meh. I thought long and hard about what I had just done. I had publicly aired my thoughts, bringing the unsaid tension out in black and white.

I always like to take myself out of the situation and review it as a third party to try and rid myself of any bias or emotions that may hinder an objective thought process. It was then that I realized that I had been counterproductive and potentially worsened the matter. My biggest mistake was that in everything that I said, I came across as someone with a vested interest or someone who favored one camp over another. That was definitely not the case. All I wanted was to find someone to fill a space. Because of what was transporting, it was getting close to impossible to complete such a smless and trivial task. I got frustrated and it was evident in the way I presented myself. Realizing my mistake, I made a few calls (some were actually literal calls lol).

What went down after that was truly heart warming and just so humbling. I had a good loooooooooooooooong chat and trashed out allot of the inherent issues. Many were within me and had nothing to do with the 'saga'.

I cried on the phone as we talked it out and my dear friend helped me open my eyes (no pun intended). My dear friend gave me a hand to help me out of the shell I was rotting in for the last two weeks and I took it! I'm not going to say that I am all better now. All I can tell you right now is; I have wiped the tears away, I'm smiling, I'm content right now at this very instant as I type this and nothing else matters.
...
Because life is a panorama of emotions, thoughts, choice and outcomes. Pan on!
...
I'm about to head off, spend some time with the family and let all that needs to be forgotten be forgotten. So till the next time , stay hungry, stay curious and push on!

Bandages, casts and pace makers.

I managed to make it through most of the day without thinking about it. Although a pretense at first, I genuinely enjoyed myself today. At lunch and later with all the profs, I managed to focus in class. I did everything except that exercise, but I plan on getting to that late on at night.

I don't know how long it will take. I'm still not in the right frame of min . After what happened today, I know one thing, I want to move on. There is no point in waiting, no point in hoping. I let it go. You could say I left it to fate but it just didn't happen. Time to close shop and move on.

I just hope moving forward, I have a smooth healing. I hope I will be able to think it through and come to a more conclusive closure. For now, I will just let myself unravel..........

Till the next time, stay hungry, stay curious and push on!

P.s, I never got down to exercising! :(