Regardless of faith, not quitting does pay off.

Previously I talked about how I use to overcome - I used to believe that things would eventually get better and push on.

This time, though my faith was shaking and the belief wasn't there, I just kept putting one foot in front of another and it paid off! I'm really glad for that

I have a friend who is struggling with depression. Whenever I talk to her, I always tell her that she always has a choice. She could choose to turn things around but she just won't. Going through what I did, I actually got to see her perspective a little bit. When you give up on yourself, it is very difficult to get back up and start moving again. I was at that tipping point where I had to choose - Keep swimming or let the current drag me into a demonic whirlpool that I had created myself. All I'm going to say about this is, THANK GOD FOR FINDING NEMO! :D

I could see where I was heading and I didn't like it. It wasn't easy and it's still not over yet. At least I'm headed in the right direction now.

This stupidity of mine has lead me to become more exhausted and emotionally drained then ever before. I'm just glad I have began to move along.

There are many interesting things that happened over this period. Lets just say some stuff was said behind my back and I found out? Lets just say I noticed that people were actually allot more self absorbed then I thought? Lets just say that I was kicked while I was down so that other people could "prosper". None of these things are connected but I'm just so sick of it. All of it.

I just don't want to do it anymore. I don't want to pretend like everything is ok. Like I'm not upset. Like I'm not alone. Like I don't know what the fuck is happening as soon as I turn my back. Like I'm not being used. Like there is actually a meaningful connection between me and a certain someone who conveniently just talks to me when he needs something and other times he treets me like a piece of trash. Like who the fuck do you think you are? I have officially had enough.

Why do I keep to myself allot more these days? Because I hate that feeling of being unwanted/uninvited. I hate feeling like an extra piece of shit who doesn't belong where she is. I do not want to impose my presence on ANYONE. So I just stopped. Cold turkey. I'm done making people feel special only to feel like shit myself afterwords. So I just withdrew. From everyone. I believed (and still do) that if I was wanted, if I was needed I would be called upon. And when have I ever failed to answer? I just don't want to force relationships anymore. After he said what he did, aside from the obvious slap in my face, I realized that I was just trying to make it work- for no good reason. It's not like we're trapped together, unable to avoid each other. It's not like there is a need for a compromise.

So I decided (for now):

I'm done making the first move.

I'm done putting myself out there for everyone. If you want me, I'm right here.

If I meant anything to you, YOU would show it and I would respond.

If you wanted me around, you'd reach out.

Then I decided, why stop there, I applied it to everyone around me. It was one of the best things I've done. I actually don't give a fuck what anyone thinks (don't worry, I'm not turning into aqua). It just doesn't bother me anymore. I have decided that the best way for me to deal with the entire situation is to only extend my care for those who need it. Those who want it. Those who want me. For those people, I will be there whole heatedly. For anyone else, I will not give them a second look beyond common courtesy. I may sound harsh or cold or whatever but just know that I'm too hurt inside to be able to make myself vulnerable again. Shields didn't work so selective caring is the next best thing.

There are also people that I haven't been able to catch up with lately. People I hold dear to me but we've all been really busy lately and on too of all the work, I have all this shit to deal with. The bathroom stalls and my bed have been the only real place I have completely let myself go lately. They are the only ones who have witnessed everything first hand. I really don't want to burden anyone. Still, I wish that when the dust settles, they'd still be around. Although if they chose to leave I'd respect their decision.

You see, this is my head for the past month or so. Ranting away with all these negative emotions, working myself up till I'm out of breath. But there's a happier side to this as well. It hasn't been all pain, dwelling and tears.

I have talked to people I never knew before, made some new friends. I also had a chance to catch up with my primary school homie on valentines day. I participated in some competition where I lost most of my non existent face and humility. But I managed to win movie tickets for my whole class!

Today, I also hit the gym with one of my most intense workouts since the head injury that put me on the shelf for nearly two years! I ran 1.5 km, Cycled 6 on high resistance and the ran 3km! Plus a little weights but that was nothing. The 3k run was especially hard. I wanted to quit so bad. Somehow I managed I push myself through it and I actually felt like I legit accomplished something! Haha. Ok.

I have realized that I just have to keep pushing, keep trying and keep fighting- fighting for me.

So hello world, this is me, I'm jot going to lasso and reel anyone in. Come at will and lets make some memories. Because you only live once!

I'm off now, I need to go catch my breath again. Till the next time, stay hungry, stay curious and PUSH ON!

<3

P.s. Sometimes life takes an unexpected till on you, just know that there will always be a rainbow in there somewhere too! So while you're all caught up in your in little bubble, try to appreciate the beauty and wonder that surrounds you.