These past few days - okay the first two weeks of school - have been undoubtably and unforgivingly hard for me. I wish I could say it was the work. I wish that was what I was really being bothered by. Here's a shocker, it wasn't.
Since school started, I involuntarily and unknowingly went into a very dark place. I am not going to go so far as to say that I sank into depression but I think it gives you an idea. It was a low point but I know I've survived worse. I was at a place where there was allot of self loathing shamefully, allot if self pity. I'm sure I've made my stance on pity before so you can imagine why self pity would turn into even more self loathing. I was just at a place where I got affected by even the slightest of negativity. I chose to drown myself in a pit of sorrow an misery. The negative energy just took over. I would beat myself up about the tiniest of things. When you're in that state of mind and something happens that would upset the happy go lucky hobo, you'd be as devastated as I was.
Then came the concerned friends truly worried about me, asking all these questions. Questions I could not answer. It meant so much to have them by my side.
Interestingly enough, week one was the tip of the iceberg. I thought I was getting better, I was even opening up, stepping out of this shell I had created. But week two was a complete (subconscious at first) breakdown of any law and order in my mind. I did not pay attention for most of my classes, I did not understand most of what was covered and worst of all, I decided to pick that week to push my alcohol tolerance to its almost-limit; in SCHOOL! At this point, I am just grateful I did not get wasted or I would have never been able to forgive myself. That was me being self destructive... Sobering up was a very interesting experience. You begin to question why you did what you did but you don't have answers to allot of the questions.
Then the drama that unfolded was just ~ meh. I thought long and hard about what I had just done. I had publicly aired my thoughts, bringing the unsaid tension out in black and white.
I always like to take myself out of the situation and review it as a third party to try and rid myself of any bias or emotions that may hinder an objective thought process. It was then that I realized that I had been counterproductive and potentially worsened the matter. My biggest mistake was that in everything that I said, I came across as someone with a vested interest or someone who favored one camp over another. That was definitely not the case. All I wanted was to find someone to fill a space. Because of what was transporting, it was getting close to impossible to complete such a smless and trivial task. I got frustrated and it was evident in the way I presented myself. Realizing my mistake, I made a few calls (some were actually literal calls lol).
What went down after that was truly heart warming and just so humbling. I had a good loooooooooooooooong chat and trashed out allot of the inherent issues. Many were within me and had nothing to do with the 'saga'.
I cried on the phone as we talked it out and my dear friend helped me open my eyes (no pun intended). My dear friend gave me a hand to help me out of the shell I was rotting in for the last two weeks and I took it! I'm not going to say that I am all better now. All I can tell you right now is; I have wiped the tears away, I'm smiling, I'm content right now at this very instant as I type this and nothing else matters.
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Because life is a panorama of emotions, thoughts, choice and outcomes. Pan on!
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I'm about to head off, spend some time with the family and let all that needs to be forgotten be forgotten. So till the next time , stay hungry, stay curious and push on!
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