Theme of the week: Surreal

There are a few things I have always prided myself on. It's not really a big deal but I always felt good knowing that these few things had never happened to me. Fainting, nose bleeds, fractures, getting wasted, etc. When one of these things happen to you, it's and interesting experience. At least this one was, from my point of view.

I almost fainted.

I still remember everything so vividly and I don't think I'll ever forget. No one ever forgets their first. I think. I stood up and a few seconds later, I started feeling giddy. My hearing gradually left me. It was strange. The sound just kept getting damper and damper until it shut off completely. Then my vision started to leave me. I watched as it gradually got darker and darker and before I knew it, I couldn't see. I started taking deep breaths and my first aid training kept running through my mind.

"Hello! Hello! Are you ok?"

Recovery position, calling for an ambulance. I could feel my body going limp and I wanted to fall. My body was telling me it wanted to lie down. But I wouldn't have it. I held on the the railing behind me for support, injured knee and all. I told my friend I was blanking out and that I needed water. When she asked me what was wrong, I smiled and said "low blood pressure, I need water" my mind was still running and I remember I kept thinking "oh my god, I'm fainting, I cannot faint, must hold on, must stay standing, this is so cool, but I feel so helpless. Why can't I restart my body why..."

The next thing I remember is my friend telling me to hold on and not let go no matter what.

After that, I remember feeling the rim of the bottle on my lips and "drink up".

I regained full control of all my faculties before I was even through with the bottle.

The best part, it wasn't even a close friend of mine, it was no one I had expected to be there for me in my time of need. It was no one I was close to.

I can't help but feel a sense of eternal gratitude to both the people who helped me.

Every time I think about it, I can't help but wonder how amazing the human body is. I still remember the girl telling me later on " I am very impressed by the way you held on... That was sheer will."

I can't stop playing it back over and over in my head. Going through the motions of how it all went down. I wonder what would have happened it they weren't there to help me. If I had let go after some time and collapsed on the ground. I wonder how things would have turned out. Would that have been my last day? I don't know but I'm glad it wasn't.

Lots of other things happened this week, recovering from the sickness from hell, orientation dry run, first aid training, clubbing (to celebrate my recovery.. Haha thank god I didn't push my self too much), injuring my knee in the club and the aftermath of swellings and pain killers that followed. It's funny how you come out of something only to go into something else, know what I mean? There's a proverb that goes something like "you fall from the sky only to fall on cacti" haha how retarded and yet, so apt. Every time I think about how it happened, I can't help but smile a little. Like you stay sober only to have a drunk douche hit you in the knee. Thanks allot, great job bro!

This week, it also dawned on me that pointing things out and/ or talking about it actually means you care. You know what? I do care! But the feeling escapes me and it's fading fast...

There is allot of truth in the saying that whatever happens, happens for good and/or for a reason. I feel like coming out of what I did at the beginning of this term really opened my eyes to allot of things. I started to observe more, see more and feel more. Like I've said, I've never felt more alive.

Sometimes, I think about how I was before, why I did the things I did and what that meant. I need to do the same for now but I'm still processing the past and taking many lessons and insights from them as I do. I observe the people around me and see things I never saw before. Things that were right there in front of me all along. I feel like I have ALOT of thinking to do and that I might want to write some of them down. But where does one pen down their most sacred and secret thoughts? Thoughts that are meant for no one else to see. A physical diary that might be found someday? An unlisted and private blog that might someday get hacked and compromised? On my laptop, again with the hacking issue? Wow, another thing I need to think about. All I know is, shit just got real.

Parting thoughts:
- When one door closes, many more open.
- Luck is when opportunity meets preparedness.
- There are plenty more fish in the sea.


That's all I am going to say about that... Goodbye.

Until next time, stay hungry, stay curious and limp on! :D

Bad decisions bad consequences

I'm every period of your life, you make both good and bad decisions. For every semester that I studied in university so far, I've had my fair share of both.

From over stretching yourself to poor prioritizing to intoxicated stupors, You always, ALWAYS regret it in the morning.

I told myself I'd be more on task this term and I was for the most part. Except for this one module. It's like I combined everything I did wrong in the past few seems and went full on crazy but just this one mod. For the others, I'd say I'm doing a pretty good job staying on top of things. But for this one mod. I skipped all the classes, I didn't even look at it till the mid terms were a day as a half away. And then it was too late.

Oh well, I guess I just have to overcome this and learn from my -

I don't even want to call this a mistake. I keep going:

"what the hell was I thinking?!?!"

"Oh right, I wasn't."

This is just so highly unlike me. I know I was going through some fudged up shit, but that is no excuse! I shouldn't have skipped class. Period.

It's like in the movies when you keep telling the girl not to open the door ( in your head) and she does and then she dies. Like WTF!? That is all I can say. Thankful for one more weekend. Managed to do some good work today. Now if only I can make it through this test...

You know the whole "path less traveled by" thing? Yeah it's not a unified physics law. Its got it's limitations.... Sometimes the path less traveled by leads you into a big ass ditch. Or worse, off a cliff. When you're at the fork road, that call, in which path to take, is the bloody key. There's risk taking and then there's just being stupid. It's not hard to guess which one I fall under. :/

When I thought of the whole fork road and path less traveled by, especially during my dark days, I couldn't get these lyrics off my head:

"Slip out the back before they know you were there
at the worst you'll see nobody cares.
Cuz you don't wanna be around
when it all goes down,
even heroes know when to be scared"

I don't wanna be that person anymore, I'm not going to slip out the back. I'm right here. You want me? Come find me! :)

Also, the other key, is to bounce back! If you're stuck in the mud, you need to work that much harder, pedal to the metal and you still need one foot to be out of the car so you can push.

I think along with this, I will be done with paying my dues to those demons that I created really really soon. I simply can't wait!

I have never felt more alive, more content, more hungry and more me all year! :) *hugs self*

I'm officially back with a vengeance. A vengeance against those very negative thoughts and energy I once harbored.

MARCH is OURS!
2013 is OURS!
OWN IT, LIVE IT, LOVE IT!

*Lilly: "Testify" *
*Marshall: Faints *

<3

 Stay hungry, stay curious and PUSH ON! :)

You are my savior and I love you so

You know those people? The ones who you just click effortlessly with? The ones who become so close and dear to you that you literally feel their pain every time they tell you they're not alright? The ones whom you may not talk to for weeks or even months on end, but when you do, it's like you were never apart? The ones that make so much sense and give you exactly what you need the moment you need it?

Yeah :)

You know who you are. I just want you to know that you are freggin awesome and I love you! Side note, I'm really happy to know that one of you is in a good place, surrounded by opportunity and passion. <3
I can only wish I find that place soon. I feel like I'm close though.

I don't know why, but I'm don't really feel like expressing my self right now.. Hmm

~~~~

This fast paced life has almost become a norm for me. So much happens every week. I wonder if I'll go crazy when I leave school and go into the mundane and slow paced world. Haha.. Weird..

#####

Let see. Oh I've been sick almost the entire week. Looking forward to getting better.. I hope that happens soon.

Also brackets.
And cucumber pie. (Don't ask.. But yes, I am completely sober right now although I can't say the same for being sane)

Ahh yes.... The gravity of the next eight weeks has begun to dawn on me. These eight weeks mark the end of an era. They signify the end of hostel living, the end of being a freshman, the end of the entire cohort taking common modules, the end of the classes and the daily interactions - being in close proximity with people I have become oh so used to and comfortable with.

But every ending marks a new beginning and I am very excited to see what tomorrow will bring. 8 weeks to pay your dues and say your peace. I couldn't ask for more even if I wanted to. I'm just going to take things as they come and see what happens :)

--------

Good news for me though, I found my happy place in school and for that, I am utterly grateful. :)

•••••••••

I have been having really interesting dreams lately. This one time I dreamt that I was holding hands and walking with someone. As we walked, our fingers intertwined, cool breeze blowing against our face, I couldn't help but feel this eternal joy and peace. I was smiling from ear to ear because I had found the one. That one person whom I could count on. The one person whom I knew with absolute certainty, would pick me up when I fell. With that feeling, of complete peace and contentment radiating to every part if me, I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and turned to face that person.

Opening my eyes, I looked straight into those brown, bespectacled eyes that were searching mine. As we held our gaze, I uttered these words

"I am yours, to do with as you choose. I hereby completely and whole heartedly give myself to you. So go on, take me. Take control."

That person was me.
I woke up with a 39.9 degree fever.

Another lonely night... ...

Now before I say what I'm about to say, I want you to know that this is not a relapse. This is me, positive, optimistic and bubbly me who can't always be happy.

I can't say I haven't been having a good time lately. I think especially when you come out of being so down, upset and sad all the time, you really begin to appreciate all the good stuff. The little joys of life and the little things that people do (and don't do). I hope I can maintain this optimistic mindset. I know I can!

Being optimistic doesn't mean you're always happy. It just means you have a positive outlook even when the going gets tough. ( I know, you don't say, right? But I just felt like putting it out there. Heh!)

Lately however, I have begun to feel very much alone. I can be in a crowded canteen sitting with my classmates and suddenly I feel like I'm the only one in the room. This may sound a little selfish but sometimes, I give people hugs because I'm in need of a hug myself. :(

Other then that, it's been a good week or so. I just need to figure things out along the way I guess. I mean I don't think there will be any point in life where one will know everything with absolute certainty. I shall just do what I always tell you to do;

Stay hungry, stay curious and push on!

P.S. I have always made it a point to use my own pictures for this blog. But I can't help it. This one is just way too beautiful and it just about sums up How I feel right now. We (or at least me) are always trying not to live in a bubble. To continue pushing boundaries and comfort zones. Regardless, sometimes we get caught up in our bubble and we hate it. This picture to me, postulates that a bubble not only reflects but magnifies the world to you. It's all a matter of perspective. So let's stop bumming out about being trapped and enjoy the view that your bubble has to offer - both inside and out. Eventually you will break out and step into the world, but for now, just be.

[No copyright infringement intended, I do not own this picture. Although, I did take a screenshot of it so technically, I own the screenshot! Haha! Ok.]

What do I stand for? Most nights, I don't know, anymore...

I stood there and watched from a distance as this person completely broke down. Every inch of my body wanted to help. To forget and just offer my hand. But I knew it wasn't the right thing to do. If you help a butterfly break out of its cocoon, it will die because you didn't let it's wings strengthen up enough to fly. Once it is capable of soaring, it will break out without any help and join the other majestic creatures up in the skies.

This act of self control along with various events that took place this week reminded me of what it was like being me. What it was like being positive and hoping for the best. In people and in all situations.

With all of what happened, I decided that I'm so done with the whole negativity thing. I'm done with harboring it. I'm done embracing it. I'm done letting it dictate my life and who I become.

This past month, I found myself constantly bitter and exhausted. Then today I realized I was always so tired because it was exhausting trying to e someone I'm not. I was in such a bad place.

With this new week, I am allowing myself a semi-fresh start. Semi because I still need to pay my dues to the demons I have created and/or had dealings with. I find this amusingly ironic that my life for the past month mirrors Dexter's. I kept blaming things on -lets just call it my dark passenger (haha!). I kept saying it wasn't in my control and that I was driven by the darkness that crept in and burrowed a hole where my heart used to be. I realize now that there was no dark passenger. It was me. All me. I'm not going to blame The situation or my state of mind. I own this and I'm going to move past this. Tonight I bury the hatchet.

I thinks this walk over to the dark side was somewhat necessary (everything happens for a reason). Lets just say that now, I can appreciate the beauty both in the day and the night.

As for the other thing that was lingering, I got my answer. Actually, the lack of one gave me all the information I needed. At least I won't be wondering. Sometimes it's the "what if"s in life that hold you back the most. By eliminating that completely, I am now at peace.

This has been a very unexpected and undesired loop de loop in the roller coaster that is my life and frankly, I'm just glad it's over. I'm excited to see what's happens next.

There is no happy ending to this chapter but at least it's not a sad one.

I can't end this off without saying a few "thank you"s.


I'm grateful for all who came to my aid in these dark days. To be by your side during my time of need was a privilege I will cherish forever. I have an immense amount of love and respect for you, thank you! <3 data-blogger-escaped-br="">
To those who couldn't make it, I understand. To a subset of these people, I would like to thank you for helping out in your own little ways. Some of you don't even know what you did.

To those who had no idea what was happening: thank you for being you! You have no idea how many of you inspire me in so many ways you probably don't even know you could. Thanks for unintentionally lifting my spirits even if it was that little bit just by being you. <3 data-blogger-escaped-br="">
Lastly, and most importantly, to boldly the bolster. My beloved bolster:
Thank you for accompanying me through all those nights, for letting me cling on to you for dear life. For letting me cry into you and just being there by my side. For muffling the sobs so that no one herd them - not even my own roomie.

Alright that's it folks. Show's over. I am eager to begin this new week. I'm off! Till the next time, stay hungry, stay curious and push on!

P.S. Just felt like sharing this video.

Regardless of faith, not quitting does pay off.

Previously I talked about how I use to overcome - I used to believe that things would eventually get better and push on.

This time, though my faith was shaking and the belief wasn't there, I just kept putting one foot in front of another and it paid off! I'm really glad for that

I have a friend who is struggling with depression. Whenever I talk to her, I always tell her that she always has a choice. She could choose to turn things around but she just won't. Going through what I did, I actually got to see her perspective a little bit. When you give up on yourself, it is very difficult to get back up and start moving again. I was at that tipping point where I had to choose - Keep swimming or let the current drag me into a demonic whirlpool that I had created myself. All I'm going to say about this is, THANK GOD FOR FINDING NEMO! :D

I could see where I was heading and I didn't like it. It wasn't easy and it's still not over yet. At least I'm headed in the right direction now.

This stupidity of mine has lead me to become more exhausted and emotionally drained then ever before. I'm just glad I have began to move along.

There are many interesting things that happened over this period. Lets just say some stuff was said behind my back and I found out? Lets just say I noticed that people were actually allot more self absorbed then I thought? Lets just say that I was kicked while I was down so that other people could "prosper". None of these things are connected but I'm just so sick of it. All of it.

I just don't want to do it anymore. I don't want to pretend like everything is ok. Like I'm not upset. Like I'm not alone. Like I don't know what the fuck is happening as soon as I turn my back. Like I'm not being used. Like there is actually a meaningful connection between me and a certain someone who conveniently just talks to me when he needs something and other times he treets me like a piece of trash. Like who the fuck do you think you are? I have officially had enough.

Why do I keep to myself allot more these days? Because I hate that feeling of being unwanted/uninvited. I hate feeling like an extra piece of shit who doesn't belong where she is. I do not want to impose my presence on ANYONE. So I just stopped. Cold turkey. I'm done making people feel special only to feel like shit myself afterwords. So I just withdrew. From everyone. I believed (and still do) that if I was wanted, if I was needed I would be called upon. And when have I ever failed to answer? I just don't want to force relationships anymore. After he said what he did, aside from the obvious slap in my face, I realized that I was just trying to make it work- for no good reason. It's not like we're trapped together, unable to avoid each other. It's not like there is a need for a compromise.

So I decided (for now):

I'm done making the first move.

I'm done putting myself out there for everyone. If you want me, I'm right here.

If I meant anything to you, YOU would show it and I would respond.

If you wanted me around, you'd reach out.

Then I decided, why stop there, I applied it to everyone around me. It was one of the best things I've done. I actually don't give a fuck what anyone thinks (don't worry, I'm not turning into aqua). It just doesn't bother me anymore. I have decided that the best way for me to deal with the entire situation is to only extend my care for those who need it. Those who want it. Those who want me. For those people, I will be there whole heatedly. For anyone else, I will not give them a second look beyond common courtesy. I may sound harsh or cold or whatever but just know that I'm too hurt inside to be able to make myself vulnerable again. Shields didn't work so selective caring is the next best thing.

There are also people that I haven't been able to catch up with lately. People I hold dear to me but we've all been really busy lately and on too of all the work, I have all this shit to deal with. The bathroom stalls and my bed have been the only real place I have completely let myself go lately. They are the only ones who have witnessed everything first hand. I really don't want to burden anyone. Still, I wish that when the dust settles, they'd still be around. Although if they chose to leave I'd respect their decision.

You see, this is my head for the past month or so. Ranting away with all these negative emotions, working myself up till I'm out of breath. But there's a happier side to this as well. It hasn't been all pain, dwelling and tears.

I have talked to people I never knew before, made some new friends. I also had a chance to catch up with my primary school homie on valentines day. I participated in some competition where I lost most of my non existent face and humility. But I managed to win movie tickets for my whole class!

Today, I also hit the gym with one of my most intense workouts since the head injury that put me on the shelf for nearly two years! I ran 1.5 km, Cycled 6 on high resistance and the ran 3km! Plus a little weights but that was nothing. The 3k run was especially hard. I wanted to quit so bad. Somehow I managed I push myself through it and I actually felt like I legit accomplished something! Haha. Ok.

I have realized that I just have to keep pushing, keep trying and keep fighting- fighting for me.

So hello world, this is me, I'm jot going to lasso and reel anyone in. Come at will and lets make some memories. Because you only live once!

I'm off now, I need to go catch my breath again. Till the next time, stay hungry, stay curious and PUSH ON!

<3

P.s. Sometimes life takes an unexpected till on you, just know that there will always be a rainbow in there somewhere too! So while you're all caught up in your in little bubble, try to appreciate the beauty and wonder that surrounds you.

Does it ever truly get better?

Up till now, I have always been an optimistic person. No matter how hard things got, I always knew deep down that things would get better. Looking back I think that's what got me through thing - faith. No matter what happened, I never stopped believing and I overcome obstacles that I don't openly brag about but deep down, I had this feeling of pride and longing to make things better.

Lately, I just feel disconnected. From everyone and everything. There are a few times when I forget for a while and actually enjoy myself. Then everything just comes crashing back down and it's just so overwhelming sometimes. What's odd is that someone who always laughed has to fake it at first. Someone who rarely ever had damp eyes other then when she watched a sappy movie now bawls out almost every other day.

I just really have no idea where I'm at right now. I just feel so alone and so homeless directionless and useless. I march myself into the toilet, give myself a stern look in the mirror and tell myself to get it together. I take a few deep berths and drink some water from the water cooler. I tell myself to focus on my work and just block everything else out because its just too much to deal with. I do all this only to start tearing in class and here I am writing this.

I need someone to tell me it will be okay. To make me believe again. To make me trust again. I need some one to reach out. Maybe the spark really is gone. Maybe all I really need right now is a light to lead the way. A flame that will share it's warmth with me during this blizzard.

I know I'm being really stupid. I know I'm being negative. I know I new to get my shit together fast or face the consequences. This is hardly the state of mind anyone in the right mind should get be in.

I want to live like I did. I want to YOLO like I did. I want to make other people smile like I did. I want to be me again. It has gotten allot better. There has been ups as downs. Will somebody, anybody get me out of this fucking slump?

Sincerely,
I think I might have to see someone if it gets any worse.