You are what you love not who loves you

I'm just afraid I'll come out of this a shell of who I used to be. Hollow. Empty. When you imprison yourself, whatever the circumstances, you bind the wings of your spirit and lock it up in a cage. Leaving it only to writhe and wriggle on the cold hard floor. How can you remember what you’re fighting for? How can you remember WHOM you’re fighting for? And when you forget – you spiral. You might as well drink yourself to oblivion (of course not). How is this any different from before? Except now there is a greater sense of peace in the mind. Don’t get too comfortable for this is a hole. And a very dark one at that. Sigh. That’s all you can do while you wait for the time to pass.

It’s funny. People generally don’t put themselves in your shoes until and unless fate brings them to the exact same position. That’s not empathy. It’s a selfish acknowledgment of how you’re feeling right now. You shift your perspective. One man’s trash is another man’s treasure. After all, this is a prisoner’s paradise. You’re so much better off then them - pretend that makes you feel any better.

Suddenly, randomly, you’ll get a jolt of inspiration or motivation. You marvel in it for the few seconds that it lasts. Then you open your eyes and you’re back where you started.

But it’s not all bad. Nope, it never is. Those two hours we spent chatting up a storm left me full of so many wonderful feelings. A rare occurrence and I ate it up. I’ve said it before, I’ll take what I’ve got and run with it.  I did not even realise how much time had passed. I simply lost myself in those words we threw out onto the table. Those tales and all those memories; all those points we were trying to make. The riveting discussion that quickly morphed into a friendly banter. Days later I was still thinking about it. And when I finally contacted you, your reply was so far from that previous day. There were no hard feelings and we parted ways. Strangers came and as strangers we left each other.

In the short duration you were with me, I never realised how important you were to me. I mean how could I have possibly known. We never stop to evaluate how we feel when we’re feeling something. Not until it’s fleeing and we try to cling on to it with our lives. Still, I have to commend you on your timing. Just when an iota of doubt creeped into my mind about you or how you may or may not feel, you come out of nowhere and drop a line or two. Given my fears and doubts stem from my own history with humanity and my own insecurities, I just… really like your timing. :)

This day and age is perfect for getting lost. Both in the good and bad sense, but it’s never been more accessible – the path to getting lost. Some might say this land of the lost has become the modern day Rome – where all roads seem to lead to. That is partly why I fear that I might turn into a monster. When I come out on the other side of this, I become so removed and distant, I start foaming in my mouth when someone tries to talk to me. I fear loosing everything that I hold dear to me. Then a voice inside me laughs mockingly. As if I have anything else to loose. I do. At this point I’m still me. Albeit a ghost, hovering and observing silently from above. I don’t want to loose who I am. And so I will hold on to it until the sun rises and the clouds clear. Help me.

619

I don't even care how gross and pixelated it looks. I wanted to make it as big as possible and this is the worst quality that I can tolerate.

So anyway, I logged in and the first thing that caught my eye was this number. It immediately triggered a slew of childhood memories.

When I saw that 619, Ray Mysterio was the first thing that popped into my head. I used to be a hardcore wrestling fan as a kid. Yes, I know it's fake. Yes I knew all along. Yes I still watched because I liked the way they told their stories and their 'performance' both in and out of the ring. I'm done justifying myself.

I had a happy childhood. I think that's why to this day, my inner child is a part of me that I will never be able to let go of. This number, represents mysterio's postal code (He's from San Diego) and his finishing move which is just absolutely show stopping. When I saw that number on my dashboard, it brought me back to the old days when I used to watch wrestling and my biggest problem was my art and craft project. Ahh sweet memories.

So here's a tribute to lil' Ray - and to all our childhoods. :)

               

Here's what he can do:

Ahh watching this makes me want to start watching wrestling again! Too bad it's not as good as it used to be. Oh well.

Stay hungry, stay curious and push on!

I just had to put this out here.

It's 2 10 am. I can't sleep. I am overwhelmed by this feeling that I cannot describe. Joy,  gratitude,  love,  there is not a word that is a perfect fit for this emotion. I have begun to appreciate the little things in life. Taking myself out of the helter-skelter that is the day to day. The one thing that I am most thankful for,  beyond anything, is to be blessed with a wonderful group of people that support and love me for everything that I am and encourage me to achieve everything that I'm not. I am so grateful to have people in my life, whom I can confide in wholeheartedly, without the slightest hesitation or fear of being judged. There is so much we can be unhappy with and complain about. There are so many tragedies around the world. But there are also so many wonderful things that life has to offer.  If you've read up to this poing, I'd like to assure you that I'm not drunk or high. I just got off the phone with P and I feel on top of the world right now. Our conversation and email /whatsapp correspondence has me so full of love and positive energy. Lately,  I've been so caught up in my own bubble that I've felt like I don't even exist anymore. I don't really know exactly what it was, I can't declare the rest on such a public platform. But I feel like that spark I couldn't feel for the longest time has been replaced by a raging fire that burns deep within and consumes me (it could be gass, for all we know - I kid ). So P, thank you sooo much for making me feel the way I do now. I wish I could hug you in person but I'll take what I've got and run with it. Thanks again, I love you. <3 Going to bed completely at ease for the first time in forever. I can't wait to wake up and read your email. I hope this day and call, has had even the slightest of a positive impact on you too. Stay strong like I know you are and brace the rain with as big a smile as you would brace the sun. Because as cheesy as it sounds, you only live once. :)

Everything I learnt this past summer.

I Just sent out an email to a very good friend of mine detailing all the things I learnt this past summer. I've decided to post a generic version here, omitting out the detail specific personal things I wrote to her. I'm really doing this to archive these lessons for my own personal reference later on, but if it helps someone else, why not? 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now, where were we? Ah yes, I'm going to share things I've learnt over this past summer. These may or may not apply to you. Remember, these are my lessons. I'm just sharing them with you because I feel like maybe there might be a thing or two you could take away from this.  Whether this helps you or not depends entirely on how you take things. 

On that note, I'd like to share my first lesson. These are in no logical order, I'm listing them out as I remember them. I digress. 

As I was saying, first lesson. You are the only person who can help yourself. Think of ‘You can lead a horse to water....’ I know this sounds stupid and really is just a bunch of common sense. But sometimes things like these aren’t completely internalized. What I mean by this is, people can give you advise, people can make you realize you have a problem, YOU can realize you have a problem – but there is a (not so) fine line between realizing you have a problem and having that problem fixed. That fine line, my beloved friend, is DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT! Have a plan, stick to it but don’t be afraid to steer away from it if you find another more compelling rout later. Life is all about change and embracing it. So for you, I would say, go back and read everything you wrote to me, everything that you said was wrong with you.

I want you to now take yourself out of the situation and think as objectively as you possibly can. Check and see whether the problems you listed above are really problems or just a figment of your imagination/ paranoia/ actually a coping mechanism (More on this later)/ is this really a problem or something that’s just – you. Is this something that’s just part of your personality, something that makes you who you are, uniquely you? Remember not every imperfection you have is worth changing, nobody’s perfect. Sometimes our flaws add to our character and changing them just because someone else doesn’t like them is not just stupidity but tragedy. On that note, think about whether this problem is really something YOU feel is a problem and YOU want to change. Not your mom, not your friends not even the guy down the road selling roasted peanuts (no matter how compelling a case he might make). Make sure this is what YOU want – no one else.

I’m hoping you would have streamlined your list by now. You now have the list of things you really want to work on. Now comes the hard part – the work. Form a plan, how do you think will be the best way for you to overcome all this? Read up online, ask friends but ultimately, form your own opinion and plan that works best for you. This involves really being in tune with yourself and most importantly, being honest, objective and realistic. Coming back to the main point, this is all on you, whether you actually do the work and reap the results.

The second thing I learnt was something I’ve mentioned in the first. Be in tune with yourself. This is a never ending journey of self-discovery. You need to make sure that you are completely aware of the things that are going on within your head. Know not only your strengths and weaknesses, but also your insecurities and fears and why you do the things you do. The idea is to be completely honest with yourself so you can progress into becoming the best person that you can be. This includes knowing your coping mechanism and having a support system. Talking to people and sharing your troubles is a perfectly normal coping mechanism so stop worrying about it. Look up the different types of coping mechanisms and try and understand them. Knowing this will not only help you understand yourself better, it will help you connect with other people better as well.

Third lesson, rationalize your fears of failure. Everyone is afraid to fail. But if you can overcome that fear, wouldn’t that just be awesome? The thing is, it’s all about perspective. EVERYTHING is about perspective. You just have to change the way you view failure and your fear will be gone with the wind. Here’s how I see it, you live and you learn. Nothing is truly a waste, because there will always be something that you can learn from any given situation. It’s all about having an open mind, a willingness to learn and improve yourself. It’s all about having a positive attitude that could potentially inspire someone else to change their life. So don’t be afraid to fail, take risks and leaps and soar! Even if you crash and burn, you get right back up and keep moving forward with your newfound wisdom.

The fourth is an extension of the third. Don’t fear your past failures. Embrace them. I know I’m repeating myself but it’s not a waste, you came out stronger and learnt from it. You have what it takes to bounce back and achieve everything you dreamed of and more. Do your best! Remember what is important to you and what your priorities are. Don’t forget them! YOU CAN DO THIS!

The fifth is about being yourself and keeping yourself motivated. As silly as this sounds, give yourself pep talks. All that approval and reassurance you seek from others can come from you as well. Don’t worry about making meaningful relationships, they will happen along the way. Spend QUALITY time with people (e.g. lunch) that matter to you. But remember to focus on your priorities.

The sixth is to speak up for yourself. Be kind to others but don’t let them bulldoze over you.

The seventh is to LISTEN MORE! You’ll learn so much more if you let others speak and really listen to what they’re saying. This also shows them that you care about what they have to say and that they are important to you. The biggest gift you can give someone is your time and ears. When they’re talking, don’t think about what you’re going to say next or go off a tangent in your own thoughts, listen to them, really listen. Stay quiet when they pause because they more often than not have more to say. Ask relevant questions to get them to open up more and really get to know them. IT’S ALL ABOUT THEM, NOT YOU. This is a great example of giving in a relationship. Give them your time and attention. You’ll never know what you can learn from someone. Each person is a goldmine of knowledge and information, you’ll be surprised how much you can learn from the most random people.

Lastly, the eighth lesson. This was from the TED talk by Amy Cuddy. Little tweaks lead to BIG CHANGES. One of them is to power pose every day as she mentioned. Another one is to give yourself pep talks, as I mentioned (I can’t remember where I picked this up from). And when the going gets tough and you feel like you can’t do it/ you don’t belong in a certain place, fake it till you BECOME it! Just keep pushing on and always remember, “This too, shall pass”.

That’s almost everything I learnt this past summer. At this point, this is all I can remember. We've all got a long way to go and lots more to learn. Hopefully we’ll continue to grow and become the best that we can be. Sharing our life and our love with the people we can connect with, the people that matter to us. <3

I'm feeling much better this week. I'm actually FEELING this week. No longer numb and I'm so glad. Now I just need to move on with my life and get that momentum going. I feel really tired, need to freshen up and get some work done. One day at a time. I'm off now, till the next time;

Stay hungry, stay curious and push on!!!

" 'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." - Alfred Lord Tennyson

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.” - C.S. Lewis

[Source]

 

All I can say right now.

1,2, Now...

[Verse 1]
Those 3 plus years, I was so proud of
Then I threw them all away, for two Styrofoam cups
The irony - everyone will think that "he lied to me."
Made my sobriety so public there's no fucking privacy
If I don't talk about it then I carry a date
A 08/10/08 that now has been changed
And everyone that put me in some box as a saint
That I never was - just a false prophet that never came
And will they think that everything that I've written has all been fake?
Or will I just take my slip to the grave?
What the fuck are my parents gonna say?
The success story that got his life together and changed
And you know, what pain looks like
When you tell your dad you relapsed and look at him directly into his face
Deceit on your shoulders, deceivingly heavy weight
Haven't seen tears like this on my girl in a while
The trust that I once built has been betrayed
But I'd rather live tellin' the truth and be judged for my mistakes
Than falsely held up, given props, loved and praised
I guess, I gotta get this on the page
Feelin', sick and helpless
Lost the compass where self is
I know what I've gotta do, and I can't help it
One day at a time is what they tell us
Now I've gotta find a way to tell them...
God help him...

[Hook: Ben Bridwell of Band of Horses]
We fell, so hard, now we gotta get back what we lost, lost
I thought you’d gone, but you were with me all along

[Verse 2]
And every kid that came up to me
And said I was the music they listened to when they first got clean
Now look at me - a couple days sober, I'm fighting demons
Back of that meeting on the East Side, shakin' tweakin'
Hope that they don't see it, hope that no one is lookin'
That no one recognizes that failure under that hoodie
Just posted in the back with my hands crossed, shook-en
If they call on me I'm passin' it, they talk to me I'm bookin'
Out that door, but before, I can make it
Somebody stops me and says "Are you Macklemore?
"Maybe this isn't the place or time, I just wanted to say that...
If it wasn't for 'Otherside' I wouldn't have made it..."
I just looked down at the ground and say "Thank you."
She tells me she has 9 months and that she's so grateful
Tears in her eyes lookin' like she's gonna cry, fuck
I barely got forty-eight hours, treated like I'm some wise monk
I want to tell her I relapsed, but I can't
I just shake her hand and tell her "Congrats"
Get back to my car, and I think I'm trippin', yeah
Cause God wrote 'Otherside', that pen was in my hand
I'm just a flawed man - Man, I fucked up...
Like so many others, I just never thought I would
I never thought I would, didn't pick up the book
Doin' it by myself didn't turn out that good

[Bridge]
If I can be an example of gettin' sober
Then I can be an example of startin' over
If I can be an example of gettin' sober
Then I can be an example of startin' over

[Hook]
[Source] 

Letting go and moving on.

I realise I move too fast.  Get too close too fast. Drop my guard and trust that primal good that is humanity too fast. 

While I realize that I want to change one of those things (I really should be more careful ), I am completely content with the rest.  It's who I am.  It's part of my core being and changing that would be tragic to say the least. I've been reading and watching allot of things relating to personal image and perception.  It was one of those internet stumbles that lead me down a path of fresh perspectives and self discovery.  How we view ourselves and our bodies, what we expect in relationships and even sex and sexuality.  It's all part of what we're taught from this patriarchal society that we live i. IT'S ALL A LIE! Its what they want you to think (most of it anyway ). I've decided to draw my own conclusions. I found that there are still some parts of it I agree with. For everything else, I've formed my own opinions and it's made all the difference.

One of those things has to do with worrying less about what I'm not in control of and focussing more on what I can. This includes letting go and moving on.  I realize now that things were so forced and unrealistic back then.  I was forcing it. Pushing and clawing at my very best to mould things into that picture I had in my head. I realize now that it wasn't meant to be. Looking forward I feel like pillar year will put things in their place.  I just need to put my best foot forward and not let the past weigh me down. Don't get me wrong, the memories are great and I'll take them with me. I won't however, carry on in the delusion that this might work out. A clean break is what I need. It is what is best for everyone.  (I had to delete the last few lines of this paragraph. : ( Goodbye words. Goodbye you. )

On a less mellow but equally emotional front, I'm really excited for what is to come. Especially now, when I have something so concrete and so immediate to work towards. I feel like this short term goal, whether I achieve it or not, will definitely propel me in the right direction. Just knowing that, makes me feel so much more excited about the unknown! I just wish I can overcome this inertia and get a move on.  Time is running out as we speak. I need to get my shit together. Just like Mike Ross from suits. Lol. Truth is, I'm feeling great! I just need to act on these feelings and get that momentum going. That rhythmic dance that is life and how us as people intertwine in it.  

I'd like to end off with a message to a very special person. 

You may or nay not ever read this. I may or may not be full of myself. Whatever the case, you are one lucky son of a bitch! ;) <3

I'm off now, till next time:
Stay hungry, stay curious and push on!

Also, love yourself for who you are. Cuz these days ain't coming back! <3

Time heals all wounds...even the kind you don't want healed...

I figured out what this blog is for. It's for all the times I'm supposed to be doing something way more important. Then again, what other time is there to blog? (I seriously need to list out my priorities).

So much has happened since my last published post. That's right - this isn't my first time here in months. Truth is, I've written so much - so much bull shit that I always end up deleting everything. I've felt so frustrated, so angry, so bitter after each post because the words - they just deserted me. Even now, thinking about it, I'm falling back into the same pattern so I shall leave it here and just not bother. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Reading her blog and just how profound her words are. How they all fall into place like the pearls on a necklace. I wish I could be half as profound as her. At least she managed to inspire me enough to write something I might actually publish (we'll see by the time I come to the end). That's not all she has done for me. So many thoughts in my head, so many words unsaid. It's just not the same now, but I guess I'll just have to live with it - that void that now consumes me. She isn't the sole culprit but I will get to her accomplice later. She's an enigma. Yet, unlike the unknown, her presence is more than welcome. But maybe that's it. I love the unknown. It fascinates me. SHE fascinates me. To be around her, sit with her in her quiet company as we both get lost in our own thoughts is like sleeping on my bed. I hardly get to do it and I can't seem to get enough of it. Let me not creep her out any further. Fuck that, I've always been one to speak and write freely. Truth is, I never saw her coming. Then again, from what I hear, no one did ;). She just crawled right in, under our skin and into our hearts and made it her own. She made it her home. She fucking owned that shit. Then I thought she left, but turns out she's still there. She’ll always be there. There were never any try outs but she made the cut. She made the A-list. That's just what she does. She ain't no cowgirl, bursting in guns blazing. She's that Black Panther that nobody had to let in. They say hindsight is 20-20. Looking back now, I still don't know when she made her move. Was it her carefree yet quiet laugh or the way she responded to me? Was it those two nights or that letter she wrote to me? 

You - your words, they cut me like a sword.With every phrase - eternal joy, they sting like the pins of a message board. 

 <3

Then we have her accomplice. 

Your light, shines bright, emitting photons like no other. You reflect me, unlike no mirror, as if we're children - born from the same mother.

<3

She was here first. Instantly. Like a flash of light. She is so full of energy, passion and love. All of it bursting at the seams. Only god knows how she manages to contain it. Maybe that's why she's so explosive. Her intensity matching mine, surpassing it and then coming right back next to mine again. Oh her taste in music. Childlike - and yet, the simplicity of it seems to bring out her beauty even more. I want her to write me a resume. Not the usual kind. I want her to fill a page with all that she has inside so that I can stare at it and just - sigh. Like I do when I think about all that she is and all that she means to me. Her uncanny resemblance to me - just all that's positive. Just everything that I ever could be. Everything I want to be and more. She's like a blooming flower in the middle of the mud. She's like a whiff of optimism with a dash of determination. She's like my sister from another mister. She is the successful me. She is...herself and so much more. She has no idea what she means to me. So much so that I would hate for her to not want to have anything to do with me if she ever read this. Does that happen to people allot? Is this normal? I don't know. All I know is that I would do anything to keep that smile on her face forever. I love the way she reacts when I compare her to that fictional character that she hates so much. I love arguing with her and watching her argue with other people. She has had a huge impact on me to say the least. I want to be like her, to live like her and to impact others just like her. She's become my yardstick.  People have told me numerous times that I deserve better. Well, she's just about as good as it gets and I'm on a quest to find more like her - to fill my life and consume me. 

I deserve better: This kind of brings me back to a note one of my classmate wrote for me on a brown square piece of paper. A really sweet and kind boy whose truthful words lined my heart with acid and burnt it three million times over. 

"It doesn't hurt to say again. I really admire how you go out to care for your friends, though they might not reciprocate"

I remember thinking at the start of the third semester, maybe it was time I started thinking more about myself before others. How I was dead wrong. It wasn't that I was putting others way before myself. I mean I was but when is that ever a bad thing? Thing is, I completely lacked that primal instinct that was. Self-preservation. I was putting others before me but I was also letting myself crumble away in the process. Chunks of me taken away in the transactions that I initiated out of my own good will. Give them an inch and they'll take a yard. But what if you didn't give them an inch? What if you gave them everything you had and then some?  What if you threw all your chips in with all your cards out on the table? What if that's just who you god damn are? What if this wasn't a game of cards for you but you were playing on the adults table? Looking back, I still stick to my guns; it is better to have loved and lost. Because these aren't just battle scars I'm sporting. They double up as my badges of honour. You see, you can play the role of a victim, or you can strut your stuff like the veteran you truly are. It's all about perspective. I mean if I wanted to play victim, I should have started from the beginning -when the doctors told my parents I’d have to go to blind school. Hell, I should have quit while I was ahead. When I was still that adorable little hyperactive girl everybody loved. 

You know what I am glad of though? I'm glad I learnt from my mistakes. I'm glad I started taking a step back and appreciating the very moment I was in. I'm glad I had the foresight to know that time flies like a motherfucker. Faster than the blink of an eye, these moments we're in will be gone forever. I'm glad I commit to memory as much as I could. Now my only regret is not taking enough pictures. But seriously though. Be it in cohort classroom having retarded moments with the class, getting stressed up about design, writing my essay wee into the night waaaaay last minute, acing it, all the heart to hearts I ever had since 2012, this past summer, saying goodbye, hugging them real tight and everything and everyone else that mattered to me. I'm glad I learnt my lesson and that I've been acting on it. Cuz it's all about the now, soak it all in as much as you can before the moment is gone. Because you only live once. This kind of reminds me of that bridge off one of Macklemore's songs, ten thousand hours.

"It's the part of the show where it all fades away When the lights go to black and the band leaves the stage And you wanted a encore but there's no encore today Cause the moment is now, can't get it back from the grave"

 At the end of the concert sometime the band will come back out and play another song, sometimes not. Macklemore is using a metaphor to state that you might get another opportunity to live again tomorrow but you might not so live it like your last, you can’t get today back from the grave.
Carpe diem, the original YOLO.
The show that Macklemore is referring to is a metaphor for a person’s life. When facing death, everyone wants a second chance — a little more time to accomplish what they could have. But there are no encores in real life — when the lights fade, you die, and the band won’t be coming back to play. Using the word “grave” further evokes death imagery and solidifies the metaphor

(Source) 

Allot of people wonder why I'm so fascinated with this guy. You should pay attention to all his lyrics - you'll find your answer. I mean the guy is AMAZING. <3

Moving on.

SO much has happened since I last published a post here. From finals to orientation to my internship getting cancelled, finding a new one, meeting a bunch of kick-ass people from the US of America and all the memories that were created. The summer is screeching to an end and I'm still picking up the pieces from term three. Funny how life works. Above all, I'm thankful for this new outlook on relationships, work and life in general. I really did not mean to spend so much time writing this post and going through the wide variety of emotions as I did. So much has changed and yet there is so much that is still the same. I'm really looking forward to working towards achieving these new goals and aspirations I have set for myself. I just have to remember to take it all one step at a time. Slowly but surely, we will all get there. 

Till then, stay hungry, stay curious and push on!

Also, something to lighten the mood. ;D

Its been more then a while...

Hi there.

Post Op...

So this is day four since I had my surgery. I had it done last Friday and that was day 0. The pain is... Painful but it's manageable. When I say it's manageable, I mean that I'm not going to die but it's still no fun. Especially when it hurts like hell.

So the surgery went really well. I still remember when it was 11:21 am. I had settled into my ward about 10-15 minutes ago and the stretcher came to get me. I still remember that overwhelming sensation. The nerves building up and I was just so afraid because they were here. They were here to get me. I remember the lady asking me of I had to pee. I didn't really but I went in anyway. That bought me some time. Then a nurse came and removed my nail polish from my hands because apparently they use your nails to check your oxygen level (what!?!).

Then the lady told me to lie down on the stretcher. I asked if I could just walk to the operation theater but she wouldn't have it. Apparently it's procedure to wheel people in like they're a corpse. That was quite unsettling. Being wheeled to the operation theater. I got to meet the anesthetist and my orthopedist. Then his assistant asked me which leg I was supposed to be operated on (WHAT THE FUCK!?!). Thankfully I was way calmer then I am now. In fact I was really calm right before the surgery. I still remember. There was nothing on my mind. It was completely blank. I remember getting the IV inserted and then the anesthetist poured in the medicine and that was that. Oh and they put on the oxygen mask. I remember that.


I woke up at about 1:45 pm in the recovery room. I still remember that feeling. I was in an odd kind of pain. Probably due to the anesthetic. I still remember I was smiling because I knew it was over. Fun times.

Then I was wheeled back to my ward. Funny thing was that the doctor said I'd sleep all day. But I didn't. I didn't sleep at all.

A bunch of my friends came to visit and I felt really good seeing them. Especially since I was feeling kind of grumpy. They made me feel good. It was a very interesting experience being hospitalized. I couldn't move so I had to pee in a bed pan for the first time in my life. I'll leave you to google that if you don't already know what it is. That was not a fun thing I must say. I mean the technology is great! But it feels like you're going to pee all over the bed when you're actually peeing in the bed pan itself. Not a fun time at all needless to say.

For someone who is always moving around pacing, walking, talking, being confines to a bed/sofa for prolonged periods of time is hard. But it's given me allot of time to think. Now I'd be lying if I said I made some profound and deep discoveries or realizations but I've thought allot about what's been going on lately. I was actually quite surprised with myself. I have been unusually understanding lately. During a time when I really should be thinking about myself, I actually managed to spare a thought for others or rather not get upset/ angry even though it probably would be understandable if I was.

I've thought about it and you know what? I have allot of fucked up relationships. But hey, who doesn't? I really like this new arrangement I've had with myself. I don't really know when this came about but I'm glad it did. Ever since I stopped having any expectations of people, I've felt a whole lot better. I don't expect anything of anyone and from anyone but myself. I find it easier to be happier this way.

You can try holding on to that standard or that relationship or that expectation. But be it any of the three, things will change and you will have to adapt and move on. By holding on like that for dear life, you're really doing yourself a disservice. There is so much more you can accomplish and so much more joy you can feel if you just let go. The thing is, I'm not going to push away because I feel I deserve better. I'm going to take charge because I feel better. I don't have to burn any bridges but I don't have to let people get to me either. I have always been here and I always will be. But you know what they say about one sided relationships and what not.

Sometimes though I feel like I need to be a little less understanding. But meh. I guess those kind of connections are really hard to find. I'm going to keep looking.


I'm recovering well I would say. My leg is swollen pretty bad and sometimes it feels like the painkillers aren't working but I can feel the improvement everyday. I look forward to the time when I will be able to do all the normal things again. Like cycling or even running. I seriously can't wait. Right now, in stuck in the sofa wishing I could do a little rain dance or something.

Finals are approaching fast and I am beyond unprepared. It's not easy to study with a leg like mine but I guess I have no choice. I'm just going to have to see what happens. With the ending if this freshmen year and the current state my knee is in, I've come to learn that nothing lasts. So cherish what you have when you have it. For the most part, I'm glad I did. I still remember all the times in term one and two when I anticipated this time. When I tried to organize class outings or trips to legoland. I knew this day would come and that we should create as many memories that we will cherish forever. All the birthdays and the late nights and the dinners and the movies and the badminton and the messing around. This term was different though. I spent most of it by myself either enjoying my solitude or bearing with my loneliness. I think I ate alone pretty much most of the time this term. Because I couldn't be bothered to tag along with anyone else. Because I was always dealing with something or the other. Wow this really has been one fucked up term. I'm sad that it has to end on this note for me but I'm glad that I know thing are getting better. I'm looking forward to the internship and then pillar year. Whatever pillar I choose, I know it will be all good. Because I know who I wanna be and what I'm going to do about it. I feel like at least my mind is in the right place and although this term didn't go well, I'm going to leave on the best possible note. The future is one big question mark but that's what excites me about it. Lets take a step into tomorrow and see what awesome stuff happens. And until it does happen;


Stay hungry, stay curious and push on!!!

Pre Op...

So it's finally going to be time. Time for the surgery. I'm at home, just had my last supper. It wasn't what I was craving (I wanted a milkshake) but it was delicious nonetheless. Now I'm about to sleep for the last time... Before I get screwed for life... Puns... Fun times.. Heh

Ever since the surgery was finalized for today, I have been having nerve wrecking thoughts. Every time I try to think/talk or even now, when I'm writing about it, I feel nothing. Then out of nowhere, it'll sneak up on me. It will hit me over and over again like a sudden jolt of electricity coercing though my veins. That and the stupid muscle spasms I've been getting. They make me realize how real and final this is. I'm going to have a screw in me. Try saying that out loud. See how ridiculous it sounds? You probably won't be able to relate. Unless you've been screwed yourself. I have heard so many people talk about this and I could never imaging going through it. It's just one of those things that you can't feel/think about until it is going to happen to you.

So like I said, now and then, I'll have the Pre-op nerves. But I know everything's gonna be alright. I mean I've been through this before. I was just much younger. It's different when you don't know what's happening to you. I didn't even know I underwent surgery till weeks after. I didn't know I was put under anesthesia either. But this time I know everything. I can do this.

I'm glad I watched the surgery. It was hard to sit through and I was cringing throughout but I'm glad I sat through it. At least I know what's going to happen and my imagination can't run wild on me. I'm not worried about the surgery.. Not much anyway. I'm more concerned about how I'll feel when I wake up after. Will the vomiting sensation be really strong? How much pain will I be in? Guess I'll find out soon huh?

As I was tying this, I turned to my knee, gave it a loving, reassuring tap and told it that everything was going to be alright. Because today is all about it! Haha!

So I better go now, I need to get some sleep before its morning and we have to get to the hospital. Hope the food will be good there!

Before I go, I just wanted to thanks all the wonderful people that have shown care and concern in their own little ways Many of them were so random and unexpected! Like there was this one guy who texted me asking if he could prey for my knee! I was a little puzzled because we're not that close but it was touching indeed! Now if he'd just get around to making those name cards, he'd be awesome :).

I can't wait for the surgery to end. I'll keep you posted!

Meanwhile, stay hungry, stay curious and push on!!!


P.S. this is a new X-ray I took recently. It shows that the bone fragment has shifted to another position! That little thing sticking out in the middle, yeah that's it!

Never, EVER kiss and tell.

I stopped writing about what's been bothering me because honestly, what's the point anymore? That and there's no time.

I just wanna talk about this one thing that happened to me. We all know how I injured my knee. What shocked me was when I realized someone was telling another version of what had happened. It sickened me to my bone. To find out that things that happen in primary/ secondary school would happen at uni. I mean this person was having a good time with everyone's attention at my expense. Now I really don't care to much for what people think, I never really did. But this speaks volumes about your character and honestly, how do you sleep at night?

Since I found out, I have let it go, I didn't even confront the person because again, what's the point? I forgive but I don't forget. I'm just turning the other way next time. Especially given this person's track record. This isn't a one off thing. This person is a repast offender. I feel badly for all the people whom you have victimized but I refuse to be a victim.

As for everything else that's been going on, I have come back full circle to a slightly darker place. Only this time, I'm not going to let it get to me like it did before. No more demons, no more playing with fire. I'm just going to continue picking up the pieces and holding on. I have hope this time. It's stupid because this time, it's a lot less intense. Infact this is nothing compared to the beginning of term. This time it's just dealing with the ramifications of what transpired in the earlier weeks plus a little thing or too. That and my knee. Ahh good old knee. I love how my knee didn't give up on me when I needed it the most. Like shifting apartments. Sometimes I can't even believe all the stuff I did with a dislocated kneecap and a piece of loose bone floating around -threatening to poke out of my skin or into my muscle tissue.

The swelling has gone down significantly. Pain wise, there's good days and bad days. I realized that the pain and the sensation never went away. It's always been there. I have just gotten used to it. So used to it sometimes I wonder what I'll feel like after surgery. Sometimes I wonder why this had to happen to me. But I try not to dwell on it too much because that was clearly out of my control.

Parting thoughts: I'm just going to carry on. Because I choose to believe everything will fall into place.

There's. this emptiness I feel right now. It resonates through me originating at my very core. I hope this emptiness can someday be filled. Till then, I'm just going to put a smile on my face when I don't feel like smiling and smile twice as hard when I actually do. Because that's what I do. I'm just going to do what I always tell you to do!

Stay hungry, stay curious and push on!!

The perfection of a child....

I'm sitting at the oasis, under a clear black sky stained with the amber of light pollination.

This has been a great day. Finally a day in school that felt like a breather. A day where I didn't feel like I was just going through the motions. A day where I could just stop and look around, being able to appreciate where I am. It's funny - I wasn't planning to write. I just wanted to enjoy my beautiful campus in all it's nightly glory. So I'm sitting, smack in the middle of campus, plugged in and typing away.

I don't know, I feel like so much has happened. It's always like this. This place is just so fast paced! It's not necessarily a bad thing, but it could be at some point. It has been. I just do t feel like I'm soaking in this place like I know I can, like I know I should be. I need to work on that.

I should do this more often, I'm liking this allot. Just like I like clubbing allot. It's about getting away and not are just a means to an end. Believe me, I don't plan on spending my money at the club. I'll get in for free whenever I can and I'll have the time of my life. I don't care for the social status or stupid memberships that really don't mean anything. It's all about the music and loosing yourself in it for me. Of course, a little alcohol to get you pumped never hurts but I really don't care much for alcohol either. At the end of the day, I just want to unwind. Be it at the beach or in a club or at the oasis, it's about releasing all that negative energy to the universe. I mean we all know that the entropy of the earth is always increasing, anyway. Why not let the bad stuff out and soak in all the good? All I know is that it feels right and I feel good.

"I don't want this moment, to ever end. Where everything's nothing, without you" - with me, SUM 41.

In my case, you refers to everyone. Everyone I've ever met here.

I've come to a point where I don't know what to say anymore. So I'm not going to force it.

But before I leave, I just wanted to talk about this lingering thought. These lingering thoughts.

On my birthday, my mom whatsapped me a whole bunch of my childhood pictures. I could help but look, I couldn't stop looking. I don't mean to brag, but I was perfect. We were all perfect. I can't help but wonder what happened since then... Life happened. It's just interesting to look back at myself - my flawless self - and see all that has changed. I know it sounds depressing but really it's not. It's fascinating and intriguing but not depressing. You can't run away from life. Not for long anyway. It was just great to see where I was back then and where I am now. I'm interested to find out where I'm going. The future is so exciting. Who knows what's going to happen? I guess only time will tell and it's only a matter of time before we find out.

Till then, stay hungry, stay curious and PUSH on!!

Two decades worth of perspective...

It is 12: 33 am at this very instant. I have been twenty for slightly over a half hour now. This has been a very, VERY LONG week and next week is going to be longer! But I had a really good day today (or yesterday since the date has changed)

I'm really tired and I can't really think. I'm going to watch some shows on the Mac and then hit the sack. I'll continue this in the morning or in the evening. But I just wanted to say that I really felt very happy today, the classmates and friends surprised me with the most precious cupcakes and a message board filled with notes from everyone. Then I went out for some Mexican food with the girls. It felt so good to be out with them after such a long time. Felt like the good ol' days :'). They got me brand new drumsticks! I love them so much! I can't wait to use them in class this Sunday ( that reminds me, I really need to get down to some practice!) !!

Went to the clinic to get the X-ray report which said I sustained a fracture.. Well boohoo! I ain't gonna let that get me down! So it hurts, I'll get over it! Physical pain I can deal with.. Anyway, so I sat down in the library, reading all the notes that I got! I couldn't stop smiling! My classmates are a sweet bunch! ;) there were these two notes though, that I read over and over and over. I intend to reply each and every note. But for these particular two, I'll need to read them 10-20 more times. I'll need to soak in every letter ever single dot and every canceled word. I'll need to digest it and really think about what I want to say because I want them to know exactly how I feel and I don't want to mess up a single word. Because they mean that much to me. But I'm not going to go into all that right now.

Holy shit! I'm twenty! I can't believe it. It feels so weird and yet so surreal.. I don't know what to say. I've been through so much, grown so much and there are so many more possibilities. There is so much to think about! Hitting the big 2-0 is like graduation. I feel like starting a new book! Forget a new chapter, I want to start a brand new series! Haha ok I know I don't make much sense.

I have thought a lot about what people wrote. It reminded me of who I used to be. Honestly, I miss that girl but I love the new me too. So I've decided, I'm going to take the pieces of the old me that I liked and fuse them with the new me. I am still the same person inside. I have just been dealing with so much and I felt so weighed down. But you know what? I dropped it. I dropped it and I washed my hands. I feel like I have never been truer to myself then I am being now. With the exception of two aspects, I truly believe that I have never been more in tune and in sync with myself. Sure at times it feels like everything is falling apart but hey, that's life for you! Lets talk about the two areas that I have been.. Poorly fairing in

Words that are left unsaid: Communication has always been very very VERY important to me. I never like to leave words left unsaid. No matter how hard it is to say, no matter how uncomfortable. Awkward is just not in my dictionary.. I don't leave things unsaid. That's not me. However, I am guilty of leaving several loose ends just hanging. I'm going to set things right. No matter how hard it is to talk it out, I'm going to do it. Because that's just who I am. A few people come to mind.. A few people I need to let go...

Being the spark that lights the dark: this one is actually quite sad. I mean how do you spread fun, laughter, peace and joy when you indulge in your dark passenger!? You let that darkness consume you and no one has a good time. Then, you drink too much at a school event and make a fool of yourself - let's not even go there...


I have always been optimistic, I have always found happiness in bringing smiles to other people's faces. I'm not really going to blame myself for this one. I needed to find myself. Focus on me. There was a time when I didn't even know who I am anymore. Does anyone ever really? I did however, manage to figure out what I stand for, who I am as of right now and the general direction in which I'm headed. I'd say that's pretty good on any day. You can't know everything. Besides, there is a thrill in the unknown. Tomorrow's a mystery and that excites me. Because tomorrow is filled with countless possibilities. I digress. I think I'm ready to spread the love around once more. This time however, I'm doing it for no one else but me. Because this is what I want to do, this is who I am and this is what will make me happy. I'm not compensating, nor am I insecure. Well, that's a lie. Everyone is insecure. I'm not THAT Insecure. I think it's time I start enjoying the little things in life again.

That's all I can manage to talk about right now. I'll write another post in the morning or at night.

Before I go, I just want to say something. I'm talking to you. You know who you are. I know we haven't been communicating and I'm partly to blame. I guess there is push and pull and I can see where you might be coming from. But weren't you the one who told me that not everything I read about was about me? I was quite shocked to read.. You know what I'm talking about. But I have a new attitude and my new mindset says that not everything is about you, but if the shoe fits then maybe we have to talk about why you feel this way. Honestly, I don't bite. Talk to me. Tell me how you feels what you're thinking! I can understand, now more then ever that it's not easy. Trust me, it's not easy for me to write this here either. I need to think about a few things and I'll come find you okay? But if you want this to work, we HAVE to COMMUNICATE! if it's hard to say, write it down, type it out. But TELL ME! I can't read your mind and as I've come to realize, you can't read mine either! (Who would've thought!?! Lol). Okay, you know it's time to how when you do not obey any laws of grammar or punctuation. Give me the weekend, I'll come find you. :)

Till then, stay hungry stay curious and don't let no broken bone hold you back; push on!

<3

God I still can't believe I'm twenty!

"Hey, you know this thing called life? Yeah, well I survived two decades worth!"

I'm done surviving, I want to live and to love. I want my happy ending. ;)

1:28 am

All I ever want from you or anyone else...

There are just too many things to be said, too many for me to remember and there is just too much work to be done. These are just a few that are at the top of my head right now.

Obligation:
I would like to relinquish any obligation that anyone might feel/have towards me. When I do something - especially if I do something for someone - I do it because I want to. Not because I feel obligated to do so in any way.

Along with everything else that's happened this term, there was the sheer lack of communication, misunderstandings, mixed signals and false hope that was dished out by a whole bunch of people. I know it takes two to clap and that I am just as guilty as everyone else involved but now, I want none of it.

I started out this year with the intention of making it MY year. Focussing on me and what I want, what makes me happy. That doesn't mean I won't care about everyone else. It just means that I want to focus on my own growth and my own happiness. I'm still me. I'm just someone who cares less of what others think and more of what I think. It's about how I view myself. About a week ago, the gravity of my decision really hit me and after I really let it go, I felt relieved. A little uneasy, but change is never easy. I'm liking the new me, the me that stands up for herself. The me that doesn't get so consumed in trying to mirror someone that everyone else wants me to be. I have a lot to work on, but you have to start somewhere right?

I started with loving myself. I guess the reason why I was the way I was, was because I didn't feel like I deserved anything. I didn't feel like my opinion or what I want or what would make me happy mattered. I used to over accommodate, I would become the person I was with. I would try and take little pieces of everyone and integrate them into me. I wasn't doing it right. Now that I love myself, sure I get a little lonely sometimes, sure I feel like crap, but I pick myself up because I know that I deserve better.

When I say I deserve better, I mean that I deserve to treat myself better. I deserve to be myself and I deserve to be treated better by others.

So back to the obligation thing, I really don't want to bind anyone to me by something that is so...contractual. There was a period where I didn't even know Who I was anymore. In that panicked sate, I withdrew from everyone. Now that I'm back on my feet, I'm hesitant to reach out to anyone. I've said this before, I really don't want to impose. I want what we have to be real, and easy like one, two, three. At least for now - I'm afraid of taking the first step because I'm still figuring out where I want to place my footing - I'm still exploring. So I stand here with open arms, waiting to be reached out to instead. I'm not going all the way anymore. If I see anyone heading my way, I'll meet them half way.

Injury:
My knee situation is turning out to be much worse then I hoped for. They're telling me I might have some serious ligament damage. Just when I picked myself off the shelf, I was bitch-slapped by this thing called life and plonked right back on there. At least this time, I'm eager to get back out there as soon as I can. I'm not jaded like last time. I'm not afraid. I can't wait to recover! I prey for patience and strength. I hope it doesn't take too long.

Getting older, wiser and growing:
Previously, with every passing year or birthday, I felt about the same. I didn't feel like there was much difference. I didn't feel like I had particularly grown wiser or had more profound and deep thoughts. This year is so different. My growth, my thoughts and the change is so palpable. I feel really good. Like I'm leaving my old skin behind and growing to fit into this new one that I'm wearing now. I feel oddly comfortable and at ease. I feel like I have let go of so much baggage, and now I feel feather light. There are still some wrongs that need to be set right but.. Meh. Whatever.

This week is going to be perfect. Despite that little dark cloud that I have to get through, I'm not going to let anything affect me. We can choose to mull over things that deserve mulling over. Or, we can choose to get our butts off the ground and get back up on our feet. Okay I'm not making any sense now. That's my cue to leave.

Till next time, stay hungry, stay curious and limp on!!


P.S: Sometimes, there's darkness at the end of the seemingly never-ending path that you're on. I choose to believe we write our own destiny and the time to make those destiny changing choices is near. There is a big question mark that looms ahead but that's what excited me. Who knows what I'll pick? Who knows where I'll end up!? All I know is, whatever happens, I'll turn out fine. I am fine now, more so then I was a year ago. I choose to believe that it'll all work out. #Faith haha! ;)